"You are an obsession- you're my obsession..."

I have quite a tendency to be prone to ocd. I have several rituals that I do daily concerning my car keys and my alarm clock, and even washing my hands. What is funny is that the rest of my obsessions are easily adaptable. I have been obsessed with many things in my life, and when I say obsessed, I mean that is all I think about whether I am showering, driving, trying to sleep, trying to eat or work, etc. I wake up in the middle of the night and jot things down about it or plan things about it, or I use my obsession to daydream myself to sleep. I have had obsessions with music(never stopped-ongoing forever), men-whether it's men I know or rock stars or celebrities, Bruce Lee-jit kun do, clothing, shopping(always), collectible barbie dolls,bath and body works, poker, line dancing photography, BLOGGING, astrology, astronomy, my kids(always and forever) and now WORKING OUT and getting healthy. I know that is a GOOD obsession, but there was also a time in my life where I was overweight then too, I became obsessed with fitness/working out then too and looking back at pictures and listening to loved ones, I was almost like anorexic. At that time I took a supplement, rode 17 miles a day on a stationary bike, ate 1/2 a muffin for breakfast, a sm salad for lunch, and for dinner usually a lgr salad. I did all this while on Metabolife-before it was regulated, so escentially I was on speed all the time. I had constant sweating and that refrained me from wearing a lot of light colored clothing. I had constant pit stains, and even resorted to wearing paper towels under my shirts tucked into my bra-that's how fast my metabolism was set! I had a very distorted view of my body. I never felt that I looked good enough, my stomach was practically flat(not all the way-thanx to a c-section)and I was into a size 3 jean! I weighed 118 at my lightest point at that time. What is funny is that I still went out drinking every weekend, sometimes after closing 2x a week too! Do you KNOW how many calories are in 1 beer? And I did not only drink 1!
So anyways- now I am taking vitamins, working out at the gym every day and sometimes at home at night too, I have designed a fitness plan and menu for myself- it consists of 1,000-1,200 calories roughly a day. I am an extremely regimented person by nature, so basically this is very easy for me to adapt to. I have lost 10lbs thus far, but the inches and changes in my body are what is really motivating me more! I have been in such a great mood and so upbeat since I have been exercising. I really have been so unhappy when I looked in the mirror, the person I saw was not the person I felt like I looked like. I guess being depressed for soooo long really took it's toll on me, I gained 55lbs in 5 yrs! All of the media attn on shows like "The Biggest Loser," "Celebrity Fit Club," etc pushed me a little to get back into shape.Also my mom bought me a gorgeous opal/diamond ring she bought in Mexico for me for Christmas. I don't have the heart to tell her my fingers are so fat I cannot even fit the thing!(I am almost there now) My biggest obstacle in life is finding an outlet for unhappiness or depression. Even this weekend, I fought w/my grandma and then my daughter and right away wanted to eat something. It is my greatest fear that after all of this work, AGAIN, I will hit a speed bump in my life and turn to food. My entire family on my mom's side is overweight, and I am constantly worried about my daughters going through what I have gone through in my adult life-the yo-yo years. I have been trying to prepare more nutrionally sound and healthy meals for them, and I have introduced all of us to some new foods. Yes, most of them we all hated, and my 2yr old is basically NOT into trying things or eating much of anything lately! But I am trying.
So- when it comes to the choice of a. blogging or b. sleep after a day of working, driving 2 +hrs,taking care of kids, and working out 2+ hrs-I am choosing option B!!

Could you secretly be a "roid-monkey?"

So I was watching a show on MTV over the weekend, it's called True Life. It's basically a documentary on certain topics, and has the lives or stories of real people in it. Some topics in the past have been, "I have OCD," "I'm getting plastic surgery," "I'm in an interracial relationship," etc etc. I love watching them , they are very interesting! The one I watched over the weekend was, "I do steroids."
It went through 3 people's stories, of why they started taking them, how it affects their families, and the side effects. There is such a stigmata with taking steroids, and I'm really not sure why. I don't perceive it to be any different then smoking, or drinking. But these people were looked down on, lectured, and cast in a really nonfavorable light.
It got me thinking, what if there was a drug that was EXACTLY like steroids, it made you have anger rages, it made you sick, it made you break out, it changed your personality when you were on it. What if instead of packing on 3 pounds of muscle a week, THIS drug made you lose 3 pounds of fat a week! What then? Would people be more accepting of it? Would families encourage overweight or obese loved ones to go on it? How much different could it be from the barbaric nature of having your abdomen cut open and your stomach stapled? How could that impact our country? Would it have an effect on the economy or not? Most likely people would still maintain unhealthy ways of live and continue to eat at McDonald's constantly. But what if they didn't, what if this could change America? It would definitely impact the clothing industry and retail. But what about industries like modeling and acting, where people "stand out" from us everyday people. If everyone could get a figure like them that easily, would they still be that desirable and sought after? What about relationships in general? What about the fitness industry? They wouldn't really be needed as much.
As far as I'm concerned, if there WAS a drug like that, I would take it in a HEARTBEAT! I'm not above hard work, believe me. I've done it before and lost 60 pounds, I am trying to do it again now. But gee, it would really be great to get a "push" to start me off right and REALLY motivate me!

A Split Second....

It can alter an outcome, it can change the course of your life, it can end an existence for someone. Saturday night I saw my life flash before my eyes and I felt the most terrible fear I have ever felt in my life. I was helpless, in that split second. I wasn't paying attention, I was distracted. I didn't warn her-it was all my fault. Luckily, that split second didn't cause the pain it could have.
My oldest daughter asked me on Thursday if she could go rollerskating with her friends on Saturday night. I had taken her there before with friends and chaperoned, and as time went on I had allowed her to go with her friends, providing I am the drop off and pick up person. I told her I'd think about it, and I told her if she went she'd need to earn some money to go so I would arrange some chores for her to do. On Friday I told her she could go, and the chores she'd need to do. Like any kid, she raced to the phone to call her friend and tell her the good news, the chores would wait until Saturday. Saturday morning I woke her up at 10:00 and she immediately called her friend to re-re-re-confirm their plans, and talk about where they'd meet, etc. I won't allow her to walk in by herself, the friends must be by the door so we can see them when I drop her off. She was unable to reach the girl. Her home phone-she got the machine, her cellphone- the voicemail.
She worked on her chores most of the day in between trying to call her over and over and over again. I don't know about all preteen girls, but mine is VERY persistent when she wants something! At about 3:00, still no word from the girl. She thought she might try to see if she's online, but my grandma was waiting for a call so she could not go online. She was completely in tears by 5:00, and finally SHE got a hold of one of the girls. She was told it started at 8:00, they'd meet her in the parking lot and they'd call when they were close to our house since our house is closer to the skating rink. Caitlyn was ready by 7:30, 1/2 hr early, and if you know Caitlyn that is quite a feat. 8:00 comes, no call. 8:15 comes, no call. Finally 8:30 comes and she calls, they are already there waiting for her! Of course Caitlyn panicks, worrying they will not wait, etc. At this point we are racing to get on shoes, coats, etc and I know it's cold out so I wait in the car. Plus I was returning a carpet shampooer I borrowed to my dad's on the way home.(stepmom was not home, ha ha, prev post) I had to put in on the passenger side because the car seat is on the driver side of the car. I started the car and walked around front to the passenger side, and slipped on some ice on the driveway. I noticed there was a lot of ice scattered on only that side of the driveway. I got back into the car shivering, and started rummaging through my purse for my wallet. I finally got it and I was counting my money when I heard the door to the house shut and Caitlyn come out. What TRULY happened next, I am not sure. She and I have two different versions. Out of the corner of my eye I saw her running. It was quick, all so quick. Then I thought I saw her in front of the car and slip, WHAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Her head slammed unto the hood, bounced off like a high bounce ball, and down she went. I screamed at the top of my lungs, "OH MY GOD!!", threw my wallet/purse, slammed open my door and raced out of the car as fast as I could. I just knew she would have "blunt trauma to the head." (I watch WAY too much court tv) I was afraid that instead of taking her to the skating rink I would be taking her to the hospital. She would be in a coma. She would die. It would be all my fault! All of the sudden I hear, "I'm ok, I'm ok!" She was up and walking! She got into the car and I got in, shut my door, and lost it. I didn't ask her if she was ok, what hurt, what she fell on, nothing. I just burst into tears, and I mean burst! I was crying so hard I started to hyperventilate! Caitlyn started to rub my shoulders and say, "It's ok mom, I'm alright" over and over again to calm me down. I finally did, she fell on her knee and elbow, and according to her NOTHING hit the hood of the car. She said the reason she screamed at me when I ran out of the car is because she was sure I was going to fall too. My life flashed before me, and my happiness too, in that split second. Because of that split second, it reminded me to appreciate my life, tell my family I love them, treasure my kids, because life is way, way too fragile. It can end in just a SPLIT SECOND.

Frances Bean

Frances Bean Cobain

WOW. I am extremely sad when I look at these pictures. This is Frances Bean Cobain, the daughter of Kurt Cobain and Courtney Love, today age 13! You see, I am/was obsessed with Kurt Cobain. He was SUCH an inspiration to me. I love his music, I was a true fan before all of the commercialism that became...Nirvana. I was hooked from the start, before Nevermind. The name of my post is after my favorite Nirvana song, Drain You. He wrote it for Courtney when they were dating. He was completely in love with her. Not to sound TOO psychotic, but I have every song they ever made: reg cd's, bootlegs, b sides, rarities, their final concert, etc. I saved all of the magazines he was on the cover of the day after he killed himself: Rolling Stone, Time, Spin.. I have an autographed record from him that he recorded with William S. Burroughs.
The day Kurt killed himself I was at work. My roommates called me to tell me the news. I burst into tears immediately and went home. I was a front end mgr at a grocery store! I was not 21 yet, only 20, but I had a bottle of Seagram's rum at home. I was devastated. I felt like a member of my family had been taken away from me again! (my grandma died of cancer 1 mo before) One of my roommates, Charles, (the other was his girlfriend, my best friend)played bar tender for me. We stayed up all night long, talking about Kurt, listening to Nirvana, and drinking the rum. Although, I think I was the only one really drinking. At one point I remember going outside and laying on the hood of my car and screaming , "WHY?? WHY??". I passed out at 5am. Caitlyn was only 6 mo old (and NOT at home). Frances Bean was 18 mo.
Days later I did weird things like write letters to Courtney about being a single mom, and daydream that Caitlyn and Frances would be friends someday. I know- weirdo. But I will never forget Kurt Cobain for his music, his lyrics, his heart and his pain. To this day I continue to be influenced by his words, they wake up my mind sometimes when I think it has fallen asleep.
RIP Kurt, we miss you! 2/20/67- 4/5/94 (he was only 27!)
to learn more about Kurt and Nirvana, go to www.cobain.com

Does regularly drinking alcohol affect hair growth??

I think it does.

I think that the alcohol contains chemicals that not only impair your mind and hinder your judgment, but also stunts hair growth. (I have no actual scientific proof for this)
During pregnancy your hair growth is very rapid. During pregnancy, (most) women do not drink any alcohol. After the system is cleansed, there are none of these chemicals present in the body to prevent or slow the estrogen hormones from doing their job. During pregnancy most women experience vast hair growth, and the quality of their hair is very good as well.
There was a time in my life that I drank a lot, regularly. At times socially, and not socially. My hair WOULD NOT grow! I didn't want to cut my hair ever because I knew it took so long to grow. I went so far as to take hair growth pills! I did not take them as directed, so I saw no results from them. Fast forward to the past 3 years for me-I RARELY ever take a drink of alcohol. The chemicals are RARELY in my body, my hair grows quicker than anyone I know!
children's' hair always grows so quickly! It seems like they get a hair cut and two weeks later, they need one again. They have no alcohol in their systems.

OK so maybe I am reaching a little on all of these points, I know there are other factors to all of this. I was driving home yesterday and thinking about things as usual, and I started to think about how I wanted my hair in the summer. I thought I would like it really long and I thought, will it grow that much by then? Then I realized that I had my hair cut at the end of August to my chin, and 4 mo later it is past my shoulders. I would say that it has grown about 3". I remembered how I struggled for even a 1/2' of growth over a six mo period! It's a very rough theory, but I would be very interested to have a study done.

Live and Learn TOO

Karma can be a very satisfying thing!!!!!!!

While I truly appreciate all of your comments and respect your advice on my prev post (Live and Learn), I chose NOT to get a restraining order, and NOT to tell Len never to talk to me again, and NOT to arrange a third party meeting. I have had a restraining order on someone before, and it is not obtained as easily as just saying he is calling me a lot and giving me gifts and manipulating me. I truly do want to have a civil relationship with him FOR THE SAKE OF OUR DAUGHTER. I simply ignored all calls that came in while she was not awake, and avoided his pleas for me to go to his house WITHOUT my daughter, and shot down his requests to "hang out with me." He can be very scary and volcanic, but I have not put myself in a position where he can not do that to me anymore. I really have my memories to thank. They keep me strong and remind me of the reasons why not!
So, I was at the mall buying Gabriella her dress for her 2nd birthday pics, when he called. I answered and we spoke about her birthday for a minute. Then he told me he had relapsed with his drinking but he had stopped again.(?) He apologized to me and I said I was not who he needed to apologize to! He needed to apologize to himself, his daughter, his girlfriend... That's when he told me he had broken up with his girlfriend. (so obvious) He wanted to talk more but I said I had to go. So yesterday on my way home from work he calls, and I ignore it. He called back and I remember he was checking at his job if he could leave early on a certain day and I was going to plan a party for Gabriella. I decided to answer to find out if he had the time. When I talked to him he confessed that his girlfriend had said she didn't want to live with him anymore and couldn't handle managing money or paying bills. She wanted to move back with her mom and still date him, but just not live together. Well, I guess they have a lease, and they have only lived together for 2 months maybe. So he broke up with her because she stuck him with all the bills and the lease for an apartment he can't afford! Now he doesn't have money for a birthday present for Gabriella or maybe even gas to come to her party. (yes he pays child support-only because it is taken out of his pay) I feel bad that he can't come to her party, Gabriella absolutely worships him. But I'm almost, ALMOST ashamed to say the pleasure and satisfaction I got from that news. For a lot of our relationship he stuck me with bills, responsibilities, and payments when at times he didn't even have a job, or he "had to" buy work clothes with his check, etc. He stuck me with managing all the money, and then would bitch at me if we didn't have money for something he wanted-even when he didn't contribute! There were times in our relationship that he said he wanted to move back to his parents and couldn't handle the pressure of paying bills, etc. I could laugh out loud right now, except for the Gabriella factor. I promised myself I would NEVER EVER speak negatively about my children's fathers, no matter what they did. That I would never "shatter" their image that they have for their dads, but let them form it on their own. Right now she is a 2yr old, a baby, she only knows that Poppa is the coolest, and I don't want to hurt that. So, I basically am stuck in this conundrum right now. But one thing I will never forget I promise you, is that I NEVER want to be in a relationship or any romantic way with him and I won't forget the past!

Update about my brother, Jimmy

If you did not read my previous post about him, you can search my blog with the word, Jimmy, and find the post I added in October.
Ok, so when I wrote my post in October I had just learned that there was some new evidence against my brother in his case. After my post I learned that the police's informant, and the person that captured the audio of my brother, was his good friend's wife. This was the ultimate betrayal! Jimmy had left the state of FL April 2004 when he got wind that the cops were looking for him. He left and went to SC. April 2005 his buddy called him and said his wife was having problems and she was going to be hospitalized. He needed Jimmy's help with running her business(a flea market type shop) and helping out with the kids, also driving his wife around when she got out of the hospital. He was willing to pay for Jimmy's ticket back to FL and also let him stay at their house. Jimmy accepted and flew there. He was totally dedicated to that family. He drove the kids to school, cooked them meals, and watched them while his friend was at work, he ran the wife's shop for her, he kept her secret that the hospital she was in was a drug rehab and not a hospital to get surgery on her leg. He didn't know until October, 6 months later, that he was set up. See, she had been arrested for the pills before he ever left FL in the first place! She had made a deal w/the cops that she would get a lesser sentence if she turned in her supplier...Jimmy. When he left FL it really screwed things up and they were going to send her to jail if he didn't come back to FL so they could arrest him. So they decided to get him back that way and then took total advantage of him in the process. My brother's lawyer reassured us that she would be discredited because she had him watching her kids and running her business, etc. Plus he said she was arrested for DUI recently and the cops were going to put her in jail anyhow. He said she would flee the state.
My mom called me 4 weeks ago with so much excitement in her voice! She said Jimmy would be able to spend Christmas with his kids and the stress was over. My mom had been calling the lawyer and when he finally called her back he had the good news that the lady(Jennifer) had fled the country. Her husband, kids, her business, was all gone. She had fled so the state had no case against my brother! He was still trying to pick up the pieces of his life after this news, but planned to try to reconcile with his ex-wife and move back to SC. My mom called me this weekend and told me she had new news. Jennifer had not fled the country, she was in fact sitting in jail in Georgia. MY MOM broke the news to the lawyer and his reaction was, "Oh Shit!" So, my mom is pretty sure he will be convicted and sentenced. His new trial date is set for Feb 21,2006. (my mom is planning to sue the lawyer after everything) My mom and brother were driving to see his kids over the weekend and my mom suggested I call them during their 12 hr drive. I had not spoken to my bro in a LONG time, and my dad and grandma hadn't talked to him in even longer. I called my mom and bro as they were driving and was totally heart-broken when I talked to my brother. He was slurring his words, repeating himself, and at times in the conversation he was so quiet I had to ask if he was still there. I came to the conclusion that he was on something, and my mom must be so used to it she doesn't even realize it anymore. It really hurt to talk to him and hear the pain and depression he must be feeling. Even more so that my mom didn't even recognize it anymore, that made me believe this has been going on for a long time! The last time I spoke to him was in June and he sounded fine. I did call my dad and try to get him to call my bro. He wasn't sure if he should or not. I was happy to hear from mom that my dad did call and my bro was very happy. I also called them later and he talked to my grandma. He was embarrassed and that is why he doesn't call us. He wanted to talk to us but didn't know where to begin. He missed so many events, birthdays, father's day, Christmas, new year's, etc etc. Later on my mom sent me a text msg and thanked me and told me how much it meant for my brother and how great he felt talking to all of us.
I am so scared about what is going to happen, I am working right now with tears streaming all over my face. I guess I am just going to take this one day at a time and see what happens.

Live and Learn

Will I ever? Who knows! I have learned a lot through all of the relationships I have had, and I still learn daily. One thing I have learned (and experienced) is that you don't know what you've got till it's gone, and you always want what you can't have. THE CHALLENGE. I'm stuck on this stupid roller coaster ride and I want OFF. I've had it!!I used to think the reason why Len and I were together-the reason why we were constantly kept together through all of the shit-was because we were so meant to be. HA. I now see it is because he wants to control me and try to keep me in"his spell" forever. Don't worry-I'm smarter than that now. I left him in August 2004, and he is STILL playing the head games. He lives with someone, and he is still playing the head games! He has probably called me 14 times since Sunday-no lie or exaggeration needed. He constantly asks me stupid questions about my life and if I have a "new man" and what I've been up to. He wanted to come over and see our daughter, which is terrific. But then he always throws in that he wants to hang out with me for awhile after she goes to bed. NOW he called me today as I was driving home and said he wants me to stop by his house on my way to work Thursday because he bought me a couple things for Christmas and forgot to bring them to me. This is the guy that in 5 yrs he bought me maybe 1 birthday card and 1 Valentine's card. When he bought me a Christmas present it was usually jewelry or something expensive, but that didn't always happen. I truly need therapy, because I don't think I can EVER get over some of the things he has done to me, ever. I really don't think I will or can EVER tell another soul some of the things he has done to me, they are some of the most cruel, heartless, demeaning things I could even imagine. One of his problems is that he is extremely intelligent and doesn't know how to use it. He gets frustrated and just explodes/implodes on anyone or anything in his way. Sometimes emotional or psychological abuse can be worse than the physical abuse. At least you know a "session" of that has an end to it. I was asked recently if Len came to me suddenly and said he was done w/drinking and had an epiphany and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and worship me and take care of our family, would I? I honestly didn't even have to think about that one. I just can't erase or overcome what he put me through. I saw good in him. That's what I do, that's who I am. He took extreme abuse of it. A lot of times I tolerated everything because I dreaded more how things would be if I didn't, than if I did. When we were "working on things" after we broke up I did it because I was more scared of how he would act it I rejected him, and felt it would be easier to deal with if I just went along with it. He's intimidating, manipulative, charismatic, convincing, conniving, and a lot of times I think he truly convinced himself lies are the truth. He has bipolar disorder, and hasn't been treated for it for 10 yrs. He's an alcoholic who started AA shortly after I left him, but when he called me on New Year's at 12:01 (where was his girlfriend?) he sounded pretty trashed. Gabriella absolutely worships and adores him. One of the times he called the other night I let her talk. She was sooo excited she started screaming and running around in a circle and waited for him at the kitchen door as if he was going to come in. It was totally heart-breaking. God, if he could just put the effort into HER that he has been putting into me lately...that's all I want from him. Is to be her dad and love her and adore the way she does him. I know he does love her, but he doesn't put her first. After we broke up, he wasn't working (shocker) and he had her while I worked. If we got into a fight, the first thing he'd say is he couldn't keep her for that day and tell me to find someone else to watch her. He screwed me SEVERAL times on that one. That doesn't work too well when YOU are the manager of a business and CAN'T not be there. I seriously don't know why he's still pusuing me, I obviously haven't moved on, I am pretty much stuck in the same spot as when I left him. But I am MUCH happier. On Christmas he told me he wanted to take me out for dinner and a movie some night. I just smile and don't say anything when he does that stuff, fearing his reaction if I turn him down. I just try to put it off and make excuses when he tries to set it up. I hate that he continues to do this and I hate this whole situation. I know what a smart person I am but sometimes I am pretty dumb.

I have planned your Tuesday evening for you!!

OK so I can be really lame sometimes. I already talked in an earlier post about how addicted I am to TV, so this shouldn't be a shock that when I say," I have planned your evening for you." it is all about TV! I am pretty excited because some on my favorite shows are coming back on starting Tuesday (tonight I guess) night!
First of all, I love Gilmore Girls. It has been on hiatus for awhile and it is back on tonight. If you have never watched it, you need to. It is basically about a mom and her daughter. She had her daughter when she was 16 and never married, they live in a very small town where everyone knows each other, is all in each other's business, they have town meetings, etc. What is unique is that the mom comes from a prominent Connecticut family and has managed to raise her daughter and turn her life into something without their help. The parents are total socialites and snobby. I love this show because it is always very positive and uplifting. It is in it's 5th or so season and the cliffhanger was that the mom is engaged to the local diner owner that she had a flirtatious relationship the whole show, and now he has found out he has a kid. He's gonna tell her tonight, 8:00, WB!
OK so at 9:00 we have the return of Scrubs!!!!!!!!!!!!!Hooray!!!!!!!!!I love this show and it has been off since spring or summer! It is similar to ER but is so funny! I always laugh when I watch it and I love Zack Braff who stars in it!(He also wrote/directed/and starred in the movie Garden State-which I love) Also those of you that like Roseanne, Becky #2 is in this show and she is hilarious. Tonight there is 2 episodes too, I think it's on NBC.
So at 10:00 (or 10:30) you have to head over to MTV to watch Meet the Barkers. I really really love this show! It is a reality show kinda like Newlyweds, but you can tell when you watch it that Travis and Shanna will really last. Travis is/was the drummer from Blink 182 with all the tatoos. He seems like a punk. I saw him in person at the Vans Warped tour one year, he looked like a total jerk, all cocky walking through the sea of people screaming and running after him, but he's not! He is a total sweetheart. His wife is Shanna, she was a Miss America or Universe. She is kinda ditzy but not in a dumb way. She has a daughter from a previous relationship and together they have a son. In this season she is pregnant but I think she had the baby by now, it was supposed to be a girl and they were gonna name her Alabama after their favorite movie, True Romance. What I love about this show is that they seem totally themselves and totally in love. They do sweet things for each other and play with their kids. Sure they have a nanny sometimes and a chef and live in a huge mansion, plus in one episode Shanna whipped out $14k + in cash-but besides all that they seem totally like a normal couple in love. I can't wait to watch it!
Alrighty so I have planned it all out for you, please watch and let me know what you think of the shows! Come back to this post after you watch them and post a comment! I especially would love to see if I can turn anyone new onto one/all of these shows! Let me know.....!!:)
**OK I might be wrong about Gilmore Girls being a new episode tonight, but watch it anyways and let me know what you think.

I can't remember a New Year's eve that I spent with my mother. She always had a fancy party to go to or a boyfriend, we always stayed with babysitters. We banged pots and pans, watched the ball drop, it was cool. This was the third New Year's Eve I spent at home with my kids. Of course Gabriella was asleep, but Caitlyn really likes it. This year I bought hats and horns and tons of poppers. We watched the ball drop and I think I crashed about 12:35. It was nice and I am glad I could spend it with her, but this was only the 3rd New Year's that I can remember that I was single. Yeah, I know-poor me-but it is hard, harder than I thought. I was ok with the whole thing at first, I even talked to a friend about it and we agreed that New Year's is all drama! Sure, it starts out good-but usually at the end of the night there's arguing, fighting, something like that. I was ok with the staying home thing, and DEFINITELY the single thing, until I started thinking about "the kiss." That's what happens, right? At midnight when the ball drops, that's when you kiss that special someone. Sometimes that "someone" doesn't always end up to be "special", but that's still the way it goes. It was about 11:30 when I started feeling a huge emptiness-I had no special someone! Of course my daughter was there, and that's not what I'm talking about. I was alone. I am alone. Most of the time I don't think about it, but at that moment I was. Just knowing I was about to watch everyone making out on TV and everyone I know was with their someone and I was playing Spongebob Life-it really hurt. Now I don't want any dumbass comments about my daughters, and I should be grateful I have them blah blah blah-I am. If you write or think that you are totally missing my point.
In the late 90's I was single one year. I went to a party at my friend's house. There were a lot of couples there, but I had a blast. It wasn't like everyone was making out at midnight, and I may have kissed someone at that time, I don't remember, but I was enjoying myself and I didn't feel "alone."
Last year I was EXTREMELY DEPRESSED. I was going through a huge break-up that really didn't seem to have an end in sight, I was still in retail, and I was going to work my last official day on New Year's day-so I think I crashed at 12:01. The only other time I wasn't with my boyfriend on New Year's was 2003. I was 8 1/2 months pregnant and he didn't want me to go out. He was afraid something would happen to me and/or the baby so I stayed home. He still went out and stayed over his friends house. What a guy! I should've known then, there were a lot of those "I should've known" moments during our 5 yr relationship!
Don't get me wrong, I'm not out looking for someone new, I don't really think a boyfriend would be a great idea in my life right now! But, I guess that is just one of the moments we take for granted and don't really think about when we are in a relationship. Sometimes the person we are with on New Year's might not be the same person we are with the next New Year's-and that's ok. That's life. Just if you are with a special someone make sure you let them know how truly special they really are to you. On the flip side if you are in a relationship were you have "should've known" moments-SPEAK UP!! It's a new year, and only YOU have control of you destiny. Yeah-I'm talking to myself too! Don't worry about me- I have BIG PLANS for 2006 and I know exactly what I want! (Not really talking romance here) As I have said before, I am a planner. I have my plan all laid out-I just need to execute it. Does my plan involve ANY romance? I definitely hope so!! :)