How did the weekend go by so fast?

Especially when I REALLY didn't even do anything? It's just amazing to me how that times flies. I was hoping so much for a nice day to get some fresh air and sunshine, but unfortunately that did not happen. I look at the 7 day forecast every week and see 46,45,46, etc etc. Um where is spring? I thought the groundhog only said 6 more weeks of winter. What's up???
anyhow- as far as the Gabriella/circus situation- she seemed a like she was doing a little better and I saw that the circus was indoors, so I decided I would let her go. I went and got his cash from the bank and planned to drop her off at his house. He called me on his lunch break to confirm everything. He said that he thought it was going to snow so he didn't want to take her to the circus but he would just hang out with her at his house. I said ok and asked if he was going to drop her off at home at 8pm or if I needed to pick her up. At that point he got mad and said,"What do you mean? I thought you and I could hang out too. Why can't you hang out with me?" I said that I had TWO kids and since he was going to have Gabriella I had made plans to do something with Caitlyn! He got very angry and said Caitlyn could go to her friends house for the night. I said no that she needs attention from me too. He asked what we were going to do and I said I didn't know what YET- Then he got really mad and said, "You know, I try and try and you can't even meet me half way. Forget it-fuck it I'm not gonna do ANYTHING!" *click*
Of course then he called back again later saying he didn't know why I was being like that blah blah blah. That conversation ended the same way-he hung up on me. Then he called me yesterday and said that he expected me to bring his money to him at 5:00 when he got off work. I said no and gave a bunch of reasons, which I really didn't even owe him-he got pissed and again hung up on me-this time I had an audience, Caitlyn and her friend AND my grandma, uncle, and his new wife! I just shrugged it off. But the minute I got a second to myself I called him and left a message on his v/mail that I was so SICK of him using Gabriella to get to me and that he needed to man up and get it back together. He needed to reform his relationship with his daughter and realize that their relationship really has NOTHING to do with me! I also told him that I had his money in cash and he could pick it up anytime. I was willing to bring it before the circus, but not after. I also said that his daughter had been sick for 1 week, I had called off 3 days from work and he had 2 days off and he never even saw her. Plus all the calls he made to me he never even ASKED how she was!
Later on I really expected him to pull in after work. But he didn't. He did call one more time- one last PLEA as he put it for us to come over. When I AGAIN said no, he got angry, and surprise, *click*
Geez by the way he acts you would think I should have guys beating down my door for me.

Over the half-way hump!! WOOHOO

It has been really tough, a constant struggle. I have gone through a lot of different things in my life over the past 11 weeks. Stress, pressure, depression, fatigue, etc etc. I have exercised every day but probably 3 days in the past 11 weeks. I have cut my calories probably 2/3 of what they were. I haven't cheated on my diet-no need to. There are so many things low calorie, low fat, etc that really helps. Plus if I am DYING for a Mcdonald's french fry or an onion ring, I have one. I have gone down 2 sizes and built up a lot of muscle too. It's very motivating when I can fit into shirts and clothes that I haven't worn in YEARS and people constantly come up to me and congratulate me on my weight loss and ask how I've done it. It feels great to see that I have to keep adjusting my seat belt tighter, and my coat is all of the sudden too big for me. BUT I am a little over my half way mark. I have lost 30 lbs and want to lose 24 more. It the only thing I really have done for ME in a long time. I feel like I am getting more healthy, my family has diabetes, high blood pressure, heart disease, and obesity in it. I want to stick around for my kids and be healthy! I felt embarrassed for Caitlyn when she was at the mall or BEACH or even the amusement park with her fat mom. I want to send the right message to my girls, they need to eat healthy and exercise, even as adults! I want the overweight cycle to stop with me. I can't wait until it is nice out and we can go outside and have daily walks, hikes, etc! I am going to get a new bike and seat for Gabriella also-that will be fun.
My step mom started an all-carb diet ONE MONTH after I did. She has lost 24 pounds, almost as much as me! She was over on Sunday and when my dad said how great I looked she started "competing" with me and talking about how much she lost, how she went down 2 sizes, and how NONE of her clothes fit her. I just listened in amazement as she kept cutting me off to brag more. Then she had the AUDACITY to give me a little wink and say, "...and that was ALL without any exercise!! ha ha ha haha" I felt like saying, flex your flabby ass arm or show me your disproportional legs and then feel my muscles or look at my skinner legs you bitch. Yeah, I know nice, huh. But she is unbelievable to me! It just gets me all fired up!
ANYHOW **** here's to the next half of my journey!

Aren't Breast-Fed Babies Supposed to be extra healthy???

My poor baby. Gabriella started to get sick AGAIN on Saturday. She had a terrible cough. It was so bad that early Sunday she even vomited, I'm sure because she could not cough up what she needed to. She was fine the rest of the day so I thought it was past. Of course, in the middle of the night she vomited again. I planned on calling off on Monday, my Grandma, as usual, stuck her nose where it didn't belong and said I should stay home with her, check her out, if she's ok go in to work late. Against my better judgment I listened to her. I don't know why I let her boss me around all the time-I just take it. I KNOW MY kids better than anyone! So, I got to work and 3 hours later the daycare was calling me that Gabriella had just woken up from her nap and had 101 temp. So I had to rush home and pick her up. Later I noticed she started to breath weird. I kinda watched her and called the doctor just to be advised. At this point her symptoms were, the cough, the wheeze or rattling, a low grade fever, and black stool. I decided to observe her and take her to the doctor the next day. She vomited again that night. They fit us in at 2:00 and even though her reg doctor was there, she was booked and we could not see her. Gabriella was checked by this other doctor and she decided she had a respiratory infection. She had to be put on a breathing machine that dispersed medicine for her to inhale. One dose of medicine shoots your heart rate up and it is like a cup of coffee. They gave her 2 doses-10 min apart. Gabriella was climbing on chairs, running around the room, tossing books out of the book case, talking like a mile a minute dancing, twirling, etc etc etc. The doctor said she would need to go on this machine every 6 hrs for the next week. She also thought Gabriella might have a touch of RSV or pneumonia, but did no tests for these. She prescribed the anibiotic to treat those and said that if she did have those illnesses they were minute and the med would take care of them. She has been doing good w/the breathing machine-she calls it her mask. She went back to school and her teacher gave her the breathing treatment. She told me yesterday that when she gave it to her Gabriella asked her for the others (Tylenol, vitamin, Zithromax) poor baby!
I called her father Monday night to tell him that she was sick. He finally called me Wed night and I told him about the doctor visit, breathing machine, etc. He freaked out and said, "Then you're not goin to work again tomorrow, RIGHT?" First of all, I didn't go to work all week, secondly, HE WAS OFF THURSDAY AND FRIDAY! I said no-and said she could go to his house. He said he had running around to do but would have her on Friday. Plus they had plans to go to the circus on Saturday, I said I didn't think that was going to happen. He argued with me about that, he was also trying to get me to stay over Friday with Gabriella and they would go to the circus Saturday after work (4:30) and I would just wait at his house. I said no way in hell-I wasn't staying over OR waiting around at his house! We hung up, he was angry. Yesterday as I was driving home he called me and said he had "stuff to do" Friday and couldn't have her over. Maybe he could pick her up at school later. Now I had done his taxes for him for a fee, and to ensure I got the money I told him I would have to deposit it in my account and give him the difference. He didn't know but I got the money on Monday. I would've told him had he called at all-I didn't want him to call about the money but for the baby. So I told him on Thursday-he wanted me to bring it over right away, before work whatever in cash-he needed it. I said I work bankers hours-that was impossible. I could give him a check or I would be willing to meet him Saturday and give it to him. He said just bring it when I bring her for the circus...WHAT BALLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This at my own covenience parenting sucks!!! I think I'm going to tell him she is A. NOT going to the circus B.I am NOT dropping off the money-she needs me C. He can come get the money when he visits his sick child!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

I am getting REALLY OLD

AAH, St. Patrick's Day is here! I have so many fond, yet blurry, memories of the day. I remember a few years ago faking a stomach illness and telling my boss I had to leave work. I then promptly went home, showered, changed, and met my friends at the bar we hung out at right behind our work. I had a total blast! We sang karoake, drank, had chicken fights on the "dance floor"(seriously, we were out of control), drank, ate green food-ewww, and drank some more! It was a lot of fun until this lady we worked with came in to the bar and "caught me" then told my boss the next day-oops.
Another time I remember going to a bar and dressing completely in green, even adding green glitter shamrocks on my cheeks. I had a big green hat that someone gave me at the bar. I was in some sort of contest where the girls had to get green bead necklaces, and the girl with the most would win a trip to Cozumel. You had to do WHATEVER to get the beads. I didn't stoop that way, I resorted to begging and wound up get 15 necklaces. The competition looked pretty good. I thought for sure I did not have it. Most of the girls were "gathered" on the dance floor to get their beads counted. I thought there was no way I won, so I didn't even go up there. Plus at that point I was pretty over it. Some girl came up to me and asked for my beads. She won the contest with 23 beads-so she only had 8 to begin with. The 2nd place girl had 12- so basically that trip was mine. I was SOOOO pissed!
I remember another time going to the Irish-American festival in Berea. It was so much fun!! They had Irish dancers, bagpipers, beer tents galore, we drank and ate some Irish food (what it was I have no clue). We looked at the arts and crafts areas, and drank some more.
I always had so much fun on St. Patty's day! It had always been a day to celebrate and have fun and enjoy myself. Am I Irish? NO. I think the last St. Patty's day I celebrated was about 4 years ago. Now-a-days I spend my St. Patty's day watching "Luck of the Irish" on Disney channel with my daughters. I don't KNOW if I could pull off all the partying I used to or all the wild things I did if I tried now, but sometimes I REALLY miss it. Sometimes I REALLY miss those days period. I like to spend time with my kids, but now my oldest will be going to bowling with her friend tonight and my youngest will go to bed at 8:00. SO-I will be watching "Luck of the Irish" solo tonight! Or since I have been so tired at night lately with my daily changes and then working out at night, I might just go to bed early!
Have a great St. Patty's Day-live it up for me.....

The Big Girl Bed

I had been planning on getting a toddler bed for Gabriella for a while now. She is not trying to climb out of her crib or anything, but I needed to do it because of our living situation. Gabriella is in the same room with me. In fact her crib is at the foot of my bed! She has waken up in the middle of the night, every night since NOVEMBER to call out very loud "MOM, MOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMM" so that I will give her juice and put her in bed with me. It's funny, when I tell people that the first thing they ask is, "Did you TRY to put her back in bed?" Um, no. DUH why didn't I think of that??? YEA-DOESN'T WORK, obviously the first thing I tried.
So anyways- I saw in a Toys R Us flyer that they had a Dora the Explorer bed on sale. Ok, when I say Gabriella is obsessed with Dora, that is an understatement. So I did some research and tried other stores to see if they had it cheaper, they didn't even have it. I showed the book to Gabriella. Where she even gets this I have no idea, but she started saying, "I want my Dora bedroom." So last weekend I had planned on buying the bed for her. I had talked to my mom on the phone about it, and she agreed with me about getting the bed. Even though she was not climbing out of her crib, that maybe she would stay in her bed all night. So on Saturday I told Gabriella we were going to look at the Dora beds and she said, "I'm so happy right now." I thought I was hearing things. Then she held her little plastic Dora up and said , "Dora so happy right now mom." I said "Dora is so happy right now?" She said, "NO! I'm so happy right now!" It was so funny! My child is a prodigy.
Caitlyn, Gabriella and I set out to get the bed. I looked in the bed section and of course it wasn't there. I was a little nervous, how could I get out of that one if they didn't have it? Then as we walked down another aisle, we saw it. Gabriella screamed! She wanted me to put the huge box on her lap, it was so funny. When we got home she was right on top of me, trying to help me disassemble her crib and then assemble her Dora bed. It was really cute as she helped unpack all of the pieces and handed each one to me. It even continued to be cute as she kept inching her way next to me or in front of me and tried to take the tools away so she could do it. Apparently I wasn't fast enough for her. After about 1hr for what should have been a 20min project and she started taking screws and sticking them into holes in her bed and grabbing the screwdriver, I had to banish her from the room. When I was finally done she was so excited! She immediately ran in and started jumping on the bed until I stopped her.
So far she has done very well. I expected her to get out of bed when I put her down to go to sleep, but she didn't. She just stayed in her bed and slept really well. I put her juice next to her bed so she really liked that. The first few nights she slept in her bed all night. She did wake up but remained in her bed after I rubbed her back and she got back to sleep. One night she even slept the whole night and I had my first full night's sleep since November! But the last couple nights she has resorted to calling me and then getting in bed with me again. I put her back into her bed, rubbed her back and listened for her breathing to slow and indicate she was asleep. As soon as I got comfortable again I heard, "Mom, MOOOOOMMMMMMMMM..." She then very emphatically handed me her blanket and pillow and grabbed her juice and made her way to my bed. Yes she is as determined as Caitlyn! I guess the only way I can end this is to either sleep on the couch(*aching back*) or wait to resolve once we settle into another place! By the way Caitlyn has also been sleeping in my room (there are 2 twin beds in there) for the past 3 weeks. At first it was b/c she was sick, then b/c she watched Nightmare on Elm Street at her friends, now I don't know the excuse. So good think I DON'T have a boyfriend/husband/whatever-there'd be no room for him! I do like it though, I am very protective and like to fall asleep listening to my kids snoring and taking solace that they are safe with me.

"I'm very sorry for your loss..."

I hate to say that. It is such a cliche`. But unfortunately that is usually the only thing that I can think of to say. I went to a wake this weekend, it was for my cousins' other grandma. She was 86 and has had an illness for some time now, so it wasn't unexpected, but none-the-less still sad. I knew her a long time ago. Before my cousins were born, my aunt and uncle often had us over their house. A lot of times my aunt would take us to her parents house, it was her mother. This was around age 7 or 8, like 23 years ago. I really hadn't even thought about her much since then, it had been such a long time, until I had heard she was sick. My heart goes out to my cousins, my aunt, and Betty's husband, but I have a lot of trouble expressing that when it comes to death. "I'm very sorry for your loss..."
To me, does not encompass the true sympathy that I feel in those situations. It just doesn't sound right. It's not necessarily a "loss" as much as it was a person, a wife, a mother, a grandma, a woman.
I hate dealing with death, it is new for me and I don't do it well. I have not had much experience with it. Whether it is someone I knew well or not at all, I don't think I came off very sincere, when I truly am completely empathetic and have the utmost compassion for the situation. My grandmother died 3/9/94. She was my mom's mother and I loved her so very much, still do. She had a brain tumor that turned into cancer-which spread to her lungs. When she first became sick I was pregnant with my oldest daughter. My grandma would always tell me, "Melanie, I'm gonna get better so I can babysit that little girl for you!" But she just got worse and worse. We had thought it was alzheimer's until we found out the truth. She mixed up words, forgot she was talking mid-sentence, forgot memories, it was awful. I will never forget driving her and my grandpa to downtown Naples for her Chemo treatments. The last time I was in Naples my mom drove by the building and I burst into tears. The day before my grandma died my mom called me from my grandparent's house and said I needed to get over there. Caitlyn and I went, she was 5 months old. By this time my grandma was in a hospital bed, not eating or drinking, barely opening her eyes, and surviving on morphine for the pain. I set Caitlyn on her, my grandma opened her eyes, and smiled. I will NEVER forget that! We had not seen her open her eyes very much in the end, yet alone smile. My grandma was cremated, I was very upset and against it, but it was what she wanted. When we got to the funeral, I walked into the chapel where there was a large picture of her and COMPLETELY LOST IT. I mean, I had to be pulled into another room. It was so hard, still is. She was a wonderful woman and I miss her. I wish she could've seen Caitlyn growing up and meet Gabriella. I wish she could've been there longer for my mom-she misses her terribly. My grandma was only 60.
My husband died of cancer 8/13/03. He was only 29 years old-2 weeks before his 30th birthday. Even though he was not my daughter's biological dad, he treated her like he was. Even though we had been "separated" for the past 5 yrs, were each in long term relationships, and I was pregnant from my boyfriend, I still hurt. We had ended badly, it was my fault-I initiated the break up, and I hurt him very bad. I suffered from a lot of guilt about that, and still do. When he died I had a chance to tell him I was sorry about everything, etc, but I didn't. I froze up and could not speak. He died shortly after that. I went to calling hours and lost it again, it was an open casket. When I saw him I felt like I just crumbled inside, I was hysterical. So much so that his girlfriend and sister had to console me, and then I REALLY felt like an ass. Why were THEY consoling ME? It should have been the other way around, and I felt very shallow because of my actions. I couldn't control my outburst of tears and hyperventilating, but in retrospect, I should of. I feel like I embarrassed myself and had no right to act the way I did-esp in front of his family. I felt like I didn't have the right to be that upset as I was. His family had rarely talked to me since the break-up, and I am sure weren't very "fond" of me. He didn't deserve to die, he was a really a good person, I don't understand why he had to die. My daughter was so distraught, but to this day has really never dealt with the death or processed her feelings. I think that is why she has problems to this day. I did not go to work for a week after he died, it was summer and she was not in school. She did not want to sleep by herself. She did not want to talk about it, or talk period. She did not connect with me at all. She would only talk to his girlfriend, who from what I was told, had not the BEST relationship with Caitlyn-in fact I was told that she was very jealous of Caitlyn. But still-that aside, or maybe Caitlyn never knew, that is who she wanted to share this with. Basically- Caitlyn and I just painted and drew every day, all day. She made poster after poster expressing herself, I guess her tribute to him. He was very artistic, so much so that I often wondered why he didn't try to make something of a living or career with it. He was very talented.
I hate death. As I get older I realize this will become more and more prevalent in my life. I will lose more family, and I could just think about it all day long and cry, or I could try my hardest to make the best of life now and cherish loved ones that you have. As far as my cousins go, they are remarkable. They are coping really well with losing their grandma. My aunt and uncle divorced about 5 yrs ago. I rarely see my aunt, which is sad, because she was in my life for about 28 years or so.
I had also gone to the funerals of my step mom's mother and my future aunt's mother over the past few years. Both were very sad. I barely knew these women, but still shed tears. I didn't know what else to say but, "I'm very sorry for your loss..."

MADDDDDDDDDDD

I wrote a post about moshing and it is gone. I am so pissed and cannot recreate it so i am not going to post today

Struggling with my neuroses

So I am struggling a little bit right now. I have become a very routine, ritualed person. I have a schedule, I have everything throughout my days planned out. From the times I get up, go to bed, to the times I feed my kids, read to them or give a bath. I eat the same thing for breakfast every day, I feed my pets at the same time, take my dog out at the same time, and check on my kids during the night at the same times. I am very secure in my structure that I have created. Starting this weekend my world has been turned upside down.
So I began a new schedule at work this week. I have had to rearrange my whole routine and thought process. I have to say, the first day I was almost at a loss, unable to function because I wasn't sure what to do. Did you ever attempt to clean like your garage or attempt something that was so big you didn't know where to begin? Well that's how I felt. My schedule changed from 12-5 to 8:30-5. I drive my oldest to school which begins at 9:00, so I had to find other options for her to get to school. My youngest goes to daycare, and I had to arrange for her to attend at different times. Plus I had to account for drive time, and getting ready time. SO- despite all the chaos the first few days, for the most part things are coming in line. Instead of eating our breakfast at 7:30, Gabriella eats at school, Caitlyn eats at her friend's house-where she goes before school. I eat in my car! Instead of getting up when Gabriella wakes us- I get up at 6am and wake the girls at 6:30, although Gabriella has been getting up with me the last 2 days.
My biggest, ongoing dilemma has been this-
I have been going to the gym before work every day for the past 2 months. I have my own routines there, too. Working out gives me a positive start to my day, a relaxed feeling, and puts me in a terrific mood. I love it! I feel so good about myself, better than I have in a felt in a LONG TIME. SO, I've been a little lost. I have been trying to find a replacement time for my exercise. I tried it at night before bed, I was SO tired! I tried it at 5am, I wound up over doing it and almost fainted in the shower-seeing spots and feeling extremely light-headed. I had bought the Billy's Bootcamp DVD's and have been using those, but they are very intense. I have also been concerned about maintaining my "new muscles" that I have required! I have been lifting weights every other day, so I actually have some muscles now, do you believe it? There is a gym near my house that I belonged to 10 yrs ago. It is small, and did not COMPARE to the equipment or size of Bally's. I really didn't want to "invest" more money into this, or give up more of my time-but I have decided that is what I need to do for myself. The gym is only open until 9pm and the baby goes to bed at 8pm, so there you go. I guess I have to give up some of my precious "TV Time" but hey, it is WELL worth it! Today I confidently wearing pants that are 2 sizes smaller to work today, and I feel great!

Say what you mean-Mean what you say!

That was advice I used to hear from ex-boss. She is quite a piece of work! She is tough as nails, a workoholic, and expects everyone else to be as well. She puts her work ahead of her family, and once when we had a meeting we had to go to in Orlando for a week-I was going through a messy break up and told her I had no one to watch my then 7 mo old baby and could not attend. Her reaction to me was, "I'm sorry-did you think you HAD a choice??" YEA- she was something else. She hired me, and really motivated me in the beginning before I knew her better. She really pushed me to be better than my best, and to do it for self-satisfaction rather than financial reward.(boy was I a sucker) Anyhow-throughout the years she was/wasn't my supervisor, and in the latter year of my position there-she was. She was the most hypocritical person I have ever met, totally unfair/unethical, and played favorites. When I finally caught on to her it was hurtful, I looked up to her. When I caught on to her I was DEFINITELY put on her shit list. But I will say despite those things I still try to use the "valid" things I learned from her, including that advice.
I hate depending on others, it's horrible! Have you ever made plans with someone to go somewhere, that you had to be there at a certain time, and you were late because you were waiting on them? Or someone made plans with you and just never followed through? I am trying to instill the importance with my daughter. She is on the safety patrol at school and is required to be there at a certain time before school. Even though I wake her up 3-5 times in the morning, force her to go to bed earlier so that she CAN get up on time, constantly push her and remind her to get moving, we are still usually late! I try to make her understand that she is being depended on, and how would she feel if my dad who picks her up from school was late everyday to pick her up? I am not sure she gets it, but hey I try. I do also have this friend that I recently came back in contact with. We used to be really good friends before I started dating my now ex-boyfriend. He wasn't very happy with me having "guy" friends, and I do get that. So anyhow, my friend and I started talking again about 6 months ago. We talk maybe 2 or 3 times a month, occasionally go out, but not all the time. He constantly makes plans and doesn't follow through, or says he's going to call at a certain time and won't. It is very annoying and makes me think, hello do you think your time is more important than mine? It is a horrible feeling! So I always try to be dependable. When I say I'm going to call, I call. When I say I'll meet you, I do-on time. When I say I'm going to do something, I do it.
I can't stand wishy washy crap. Don't try to "protect" me or cradle mean-just spit it out. This applies to my job a lot. At the beginning I was evaluated every week. I know I was doing a good job, but if I made an error my boss would like dance around it, to the point where I didn't even realize that it was wrong! I want to be successful and if I did something wrong, tell me so I don't do it again! I try to be upfront and honest as much as possible. Some people might say that is bitchy, but they probably never met Cathy. It's all in the delivery. She has brought people to tears, male and female, with a single blow-myself included! Get a blow from her and THEN try to call me a bitch!

CHURCH

First of all, I am not trying to offend anyone. These are my views, this is my blog.
So I wrote about the trauma that recently happenned to me in my last post, and I touched on the church idea. Geez- where do I begin?
So as I said I have attended church in my adult life. As for my childhood, I think we stopped going when my mom and dad began to divorce. I do enjoy going to church. It is a very peaceful, comforting place for the most part. I went for a while and basically stopped when the reverand went to another church. I really loved that reverand. He was so compassionate and kind. He was down to earth as well, which was very appealing for me. He had a very nice wife who was very similar to him. They were not too much older than me. When he went to another church I thought about "following" them there, but I didn't. I continued to go to my church for a while even though I did not identify with the new reverand or his wife, even though I was never a regular attender due to scheduling conflicts. (I worked retail-need I say more) I was a member of the church and I received a letter in the mail from church asking me to pledge my yearly donations. I don't know if this was the idea of the new reverand, but when the previous reverand was there, I never recieved a letter like this. This was asking me to decide, for the entire year, how much money I would be giving to the church. I was dumbfounded. Ok I get that the church depends on donations from it's members to thrive, but do you know what the definition of a "donation" is? According to Webster's dictionary, a donation is: "the act or an instance of donationg as in making a GIFT, a free contribution." I don't tell people the "gift" I am buying for them, do you? I don't plan out my "gifts" I need to buy for the year, a year in ADVANCE? Yea- and I am a very quirky person too. So that basically turned me off church for awhile. I have talked to my mother about this and she says that the bible states you should contribute 10% of your annual earnings to the church. That is just not pheasable for me. I have my beliefs, I pray with my children, I have my own spirituality, every now and then I read the bible. While I really do like attending church, I don't necessarily like all of the politics around it. I feel spirituality is very personal. My mother has "found God" again as I previously wrote about, and she constantly talks about it. I'm not knocking that, good for her. I am not saying you SHOULDN'T or COULDN'T "talk" about God, but I just don't believe it should be brought up in every conversation constantly. My mom doesn't do that-it is an extreme, but I have had some encounters with people that do. Do you remember that episode of wife swap where that lady from Lousiana was such an extreme "holy roller"? Well that is what I am talking about. AGAIN- I can feel that people are getting huffy reading this-I just don't believe that it needs to be in every situation/conversation. I feel you can be spiritual without announcing it to the whole world. I feel you can turn to God or seek guidance from him whether you go to church or not. Different churches interpet God's teachings differently. I think it is up to you to interpret and learn yourself. That enables your personal connection with God and exstablishes your own beliefs. Your beliefs are just that-YOURS. They should not be "influenced" or "molded" from anyone except possible your parents/family. But even then it is up to you to "understand" your beliefs and ensure that you truly do feel that way. I have turned to God to help direct me in this time with my daughter, and right now I do have comfort in that. I need to find something social for me. I feel like I am 80 yrs old! Well actually my 79 yr old grandma has more of a social life than me. Just in my experience with the churches I have attended, there was either nothing really "extracurricular" going on, no one even remotely close to my age, or if they were it was married couples.