Live and Learn

Will I ever? Who knows! I have learned a lot through all of the relationships I have had, and I still learn daily. One thing I have learned (and experienced) is that you don't know what you've got till it's gone, and you always want what you can't have. THE CHALLENGE. I'm stuck on this stupid roller coaster ride and I want OFF. I've had it!!I used to think the reason why Len and I were together-the reason why we were constantly kept together through all of the shit-was because we were so meant to be. HA. I now see it is because he wants to control me and try to keep me in"his spell" forever. Don't worry-I'm smarter than that now. I left him in August 2004, and he is STILL playing the head games. He lives with someone, and he is still playing the head games! He has probably called me 14 times since Sunday-no lie or exaggeration needed. He constantly asks me stupid questions about my life and if I have a "new man" and what I've been up to. He wanted to come over and see our daughter, which is terrific. But then he always throws in that he wants to hang out with me for awhile after she goes to bed. NOW he called me today as I was driving home and said he wants me to stop by his house on my way to work Thursday because he bought me a couple things for Christmas and forgot to bring them to me. This is the guy that in 5 yrs he bought me maybe 1 birthday card and 1 Valentine's card. When he bought me a Christmas present it was usually jewelry or something expensive, but that didn't always happen. I truly need therapy, because I don't think I can EVER get over some of the things he has done to me, ever. I really don't think I will or can EVER tell another soul some of the things he has done to me, they are some of the most cruel, heartless, demeaning things I could even imagine. One of his problems is that he is extremely intelligent and doesn't know how to use it. He gets frustrated and just explodes/implodes on anyone or anything in his way. Sometimes emotional or psychological abuse can be worse than the physical abuse. At least you know a "session" of that has an end to it. I was asked recently if Len came to me suddenly and said he was done w/drinking and had an epiphany and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and worship me and take care of our family, would I? I honestly didn't even have to think about that one. I just can't erase or overcome what he put me through. I saw good in him. That's what I do, that's who I am. He took extreme abuse of it. A lot of times I tolerated everything because I dreaded more how things would be if I didn't, than if I did. When we were "working on things" after we broke up I did it because I was more scared of how he would act it I rejected him, and felt it would be easier to deal with if I just went along with it. He's intimidating, manipulative, charismatic, convincing, conniving, and a lot of times I think he truly convinced himself lies are the truth. He has bipolar disorder, and hasn't been treated for it for 10 yrs. He's an alcoholic who started AA shortly after I left him, but when he called me on New Year's at 12:01 (where was his girlfriend?) he sounded pretty trashed. Gabriella absolutely worships and adores him. One of the times he called the other night I let her talk. She was sooo excited she started screaming and running around in a circle and waited for him at the kitchen door as if he was going to come in. It was totally heart-breaking. God, if he could just put the effort into HER that he has been putting into me lately...that's all I want from him. Is to be her dad and love her and adore the way she does him. I know he does love her, but he doesn't put her first. After we broke up, he wasn't working (shocker) and he had her while I worked. If we got into a fight, the first thing he'd say is he couldn't keep her for that day and tell me to find someone else to watch her. He screwed me SEVERAL times on that one. That doesn't work too well when YOU are the manager of a business and CAN'T not be there. I seriously don't know why he's still pusuing me, I obviously haven't moved on, I am pretty much stuck in the same spot as when I left him. But I am MUCH happier. On Christmas he told me he wanted to take me out for dinner and a movie some night. I just smile and don't say anything when he does that stuff, fearing his reaction if I turn him down. I just try to put it off and make excuses when he tries to set it up. I hate that he continues to do this and I hate this whole situation. I know what a smart person I am but sometimes I am pretty dumb.