"I'm very sorry for your loss..."

I hate to say that. It is such a cliche`. But unfortunately that is usually the only thing that I can think of to say. I went to a wake this weekend, it was for my cousins' other grandma. She was 86 and has had an illness for some time now, so it wasn't unexpected, but none-the-less still sad. I knew her a long time ago. Before my cousins were born, my aunt and uncle often had us over their house. A lot of times my aunt would take us to her parents house, it was her mother. This was around age 7 or 8, like 23 years ago. I really hadn't even thought about her much since then, it had been such a long time, until I had heard she was sick. My heart goes out to my cousins, my aunt, and Betty's husband, but I have a lot of trouble expressing that when it comes to death. "I'm very sorry for your loss..."
To me, does not encompass the true sympathy that I feel in those situations. It just doesn't sound right. It's not necessarily a "loss" as much as it was a person, a wife, a mother, a grandma, a woman.
I hate dealing with death, it is new for me and I don't do it well. I have not had much experience with it. Whether it is someone I knew well or not at all, I don't think I came off very sincere, when I truly am completely empathetic and have the utmost compassion for the situation. My grandmother died 3/9/94. She was my mom's mother and I loved her so very much, still do. She had a brain tumor that turned into cancer-which spread to her lungs. When she first became sick I was pregnant with my oldest daughter. My grandma would always tell me, "Melanie, I'm gonna get better so I can babysit that little girl for you!" But she just got worse and worse. We had thought it was alzheimer's until we found out the truth. She mixed up words, forgot she was talking mid-sentence, forgot memories, it was awful. I will never forget driving her and my grandpa to downtown Naples for her Chemo treatments. The last time I was in Naples my mom drove by the building and I burst into tears. The day before my grandma died my mom called me from my grandparent's house and said I needed to get over there. Caitlyn and I went, she was 5 months old. By this time my grandma was in a hospital bed, not eating or drinking, barely opening her eyes, and surviving on morphine for the pain. I set Caitlyn on her, my grandma opened her eyes, and smiled. I will NEVER forget that! We had not seen her open her eyes very much in the end, yet alone smile. My grandma was cremated, I was very upset and against it, but it was what she wanted. When we got to the funeral, I walked into the chapel where there was a large picture of her and COMPLETELY LOST IT. I mean, I had to be pulled into another room. It was so hard, still is. She was a wonderful woman and I miss her. I wish she could've seen Caitlyn growing up and meet Gabriella. I wish she could've been there longer for my mom-she misses her terribly. My grandma was only 60.
My husband died of cancer 8/13/03. He was only 29 years old-2 weeks before his 30th birthday. Even though he was not my daughter's biological dad, he treated her like he was. Even though we had been "separated" for the past 5 yrs, were each in long term relationships, and I was pregnant from my boyfriend, I still hurt. We had ended badly, it was my fault-I initiated the break up, and I hurt him very bad. I suffered from a lot of guilt about that, and still do. When he died I had a chance to tell him I was sorry about everything, etc, but I didn't. I froze up and could not speak. He died shortly after that. I went to calling hours and lost it again, it was an open casket. When I saw him I felt like I just crumbled inside, I was hysterical. So much so that his girlfriend and sister had to console me, and then I REALLY felt like an ass. Why were THEY consoling ME? It should have been the other way around, and I felt very shallow because of my actions. I couldn't control my outburst of tears and hyperventilating, but in retrospect, I should of. I feel like I embarrassed myself and had no right to act the way I did-esp in front of his family. I felt like I didn't have the right to be that upset as I was. His family had rarely talked to me since the break-up, and I am sure weren't very "fond" of me. He didn't deserve to die, he was a really a good person, I don't understand why he had to die. My daughter was so distraught, but to this day has really never dealt with the death or processed her feelings. I think that is why she has problems to this day. I did not go to work for a week after he died, it was summer and she was not in school. She did not want to sleep by herself. She did not want to talk about it, or talk period. She did not connect with me at all. She would only talk to his girlfriend, who from what I was told, had not the BEST relationship with Caitlyn-in fact I was told that she was very jealous of Caitlyn. But still-that aside, or maybe Caitlyn never knew, that is who she wanted to share this with. Basically- Caitlyn and I just painted and drew every day, all day. She made poster after poster expressing herself, I guess her tribute to him. He was very artistic, so much so that I often wondered why he didn't try to make something of a living or career with it. He was very talented.
I hate death. As I get older I realize this will become more and more prevalent in my life. I will lose more family, and I could just think about it all day long and cry, or I could try my hardest to make the best of life now and cherish loved ones that you have. As far as my cousins go, they are remarkable. They are coping really well with losing their grandma. My aunt and uncle divorced about 5 yrs ago. I rarely see my aunt, which is sad, because she was in my life for about 28 years or so.
I had also gone to the funerals of my step mom's mother and my future aunt's mother over the past few years. Both were very sad. I barely knew these women, but still shed tears. I didn't know what else to say but, "I'm very sorry for your loss..."