Suicide

My life is pretty lonely. I have no boyfriend, my work is social-but not really. I moved to my town when i was 20 yrs old. I did not grow up with anyone here. Mostly any friends i ever had I got through work or my relationships. When the relationships ended, so did the friendships. When I switched jobs, I switched friends. I don't really have any friends. No one I talk to regularly, hang out with, share my life with. I really have no one to talk to. When i started this blog it was theraputic-a way to get my feelings out. I didn't really realize or care if anyone was reading it, and when I realized I did have readers I held back. So lately I really haven't had any outlet for my feelings. I can confide in my mom, I often do. Lately I have been sheltering her. I feel really sad and lonely. My brothers don't live here-2 of them are too young, the third is too messed up in his own shit. CHURCH-yea I know. I've heard it before. But while I do have my own private spirituality and have attended church in my adult life, I just have several excuses why not to go. I'm not like those people. I'm different. I'm a single mom with 2 kids by 2 different dads. I'm not exactly rolling in the dough-church clothes, donations. I am afraid to leave my 2 yr old with a stranger, I am afraid to keep my 2 yr old in the church with me. My oldest constantly has sleep overs on Saturday nights, Fridays I don't get home until 6:30 and don't get done with dinner until 7:00 sometimes. Sometimes I just feel invisible, unimportant, forgettable.
This topic is not about me. When i was in high school my boyfriend at the time had a very close friend he had since grade school. He killed himself. We don't know if it was an accident or not-he was playing russian roulette at a party. It changed my boyfriend, Leith, it changed us. It was sombering. Prior to that time I had "brushes" with suicidal tendencies. I was a cutter. I used razor blades and even a knife once. I took an entire bottle of aspirin after a fight with my boyfriend and passed out cold. I had ringing in my ears for 4 days afterward. I walked to his house before-during a fight- with a knife clutched to my chest. Screwed up? I guess you could say so. I have written before how my oldest child saved me. Made me snap out of it, stop the sucidial crap, stop smoking pot. This topic is not about me. It is about her.
Thursday 2/16. It was a normal day. My youngest got me up, we played. I got Caitlyn up, made breakfast, dropped her off at school. Came home and got Gabriella and I ready, dropped her off and worked out for an hour. I went to work, feeling good. Fifteen minutes into my shift I got a call from the school guidance counselor. Immediately I thought they were calling to get permission to give her Tylenol because her braces hurt. NOPE. Then I even thought maybe she had gotten in a fight, she had been having problems with her "ex?" best friend for the past few weeks. NOPE. "Ms. Lore-3 of your daughter's friends have come to me today because they were worried about her. She had been talking about taking her own life." I don't think anyone could understand or express how I felt to hear those words. It was numbing and crushing, i could barely breath when i heard it. She said she wouldn't feel right not calling but would send her back to class if I wanted. Are you fucking kidding me??!! I think I composed myself enough to utter" 1 hr drive, " and "I'm coming", I did shut down my systems, computer, etc and went to see my boss where i lost it. She must ahve thought my family was put in front of a firing squad from the look of me. I couldn't form a sentence, I couldn't form words. She asked me if I had to go and I nodded. I think I drove behind every 80yr old driving 20 miles under the speed limit that was out, got stuck behind every truck possible and stuck at every red light along the way. Needless to say, I made it in 37 minutes. Not bad for a 50 mile trip. I barged into the school, still incoherently babbling as I tried to tell the secretary who I was and why i was there. She didn't understand me, I snapped at her and could've hit her. Somehow she got it and Ms. Taylor and Caitlyn came to the desk. I looked at them. I took a good look at my daughter, partially not even wanting to look at her, it hurt way too much, wanting to pretend is was not real. I grabbed her and hugged her as she looked away from me, apparently she couldn't look at me either. I guess what it boiled down to was that Caitlyn was upset because my grandma who we live with who has undiagnosed dementia and takes everything out on Caitlyn was again on her case. CAitlyn was telling her friends how much she hated it, hating living st our house, and I guess living altogether. She avidly denies that she ever said anything about killing herself, that her friends misunderstood. She had scratches on her arm that looked like cut marks. They could have been from our dog like she said, he has scratched her before in her sleep and even cut the sheets from wallowing around in them. But I wasn't taking any chances. i took her to the emergency room to the "stabilization unit." They tested her blood, urine, took vitals, had numerous doctors, nurses etc in and out to talk to us. Then they had a counselor from the Nord Center-this mental health facility in town come in and anlyze us. She was nice, but Caitlyn never opened up once. About anything. She cried but only because of the imapct it was all having on me. They probably could have checked me in there for a few days because i was a wreck. The counselor suggested that she saw no reason to admit Caitlyn, but that I should consider seeking counseling for her. She gave me a referral, of which I call everyday, leave a message, and get no results. We left the hospital after 6 hours of hell to put on a straight face and return to a house where my grandmother was angry at us because we did not let her know that Caitlyn was going to her "friend's" house until i called her at 4:00, and because Caitlyn had used the blind in the bathroom that morning and did not put it back at the level it is supposed to be at. Then of course she turned to me to let me know that my dog had pooped in the basement and I needed to pick it up right away, and when i defended the blind situation she became heated and yelled at me and of course Gabriella started screaming. Needless to say Caitlyn and I skipped work and school the next day, went to Cleveland to see the play, "Annie," ate at a nice restaurant, and just spent the day together. Talking? No I wish. I did tell Caitlyn about my cutting and why I would do it and what I learned of why not to do it. I broke down with guilt feeling that she was doing it, and it was genetic because I did it. That she was geneticlly screwed up because I was. She and I talked about the cutting and the scratches on her arm. I am convinved that MOST of them were from the dog, but not all. I am convinced that she MIGHT have really said she wanted to die but now realizes the severity of it. I have been afraid to be seperated from her. I check on her several times all throughout the night. I call her several times after school and on my way home. I allow her to go to her friend's house almost everyday after school to prevent her from having and episode with my grandma. I am scard, it is scary. I have begun looking for another place to live, but it is so hard there are so many variables. I work PART_TIME. I work 1 hour away. I did get good news that I will be fulltime starting next week, but it could possibly be only temporary, but maybe not. Theya re too iffy for me to securely plan anything around it. I rely on child support which has in the past been very late or not even come at all.
My kids really are my life. That is a good thing and that is a bad thing. But even being the mom that i am, eating meals together at the table, giving constant hugs and kisses, reading to them, singing to them, talking to them, doing arts/crafts with them, planning interesting things on the weekends, nurturing them and spoiling them with enough love from two parents, it's not enough. It can still happenn, kids can still get depressed and it has NOTHING to do with you. I know the turbulent relationship with my grandma does not help. I feel like I got my kids out of one situation by leaving my alcoholic controlling ex-boyfriend into a worse one. At least with him he would calm down and see the rationality, at least with him I could stick up for her. I haven't told my mom about all this, she has enogh on her mind-my brother's trial is Monday. My grandma has no clue about the whole thing. My dad only found out because i had to call him from the hospital to tell him not to pick her up from school and it was caller id. I am dealing with this, but basically all alone. I can't get any resources pulles together to set up counseling, and the people that actually know the sitaution (dad and stepmom) haven't even called me once to check on how things are going now. NICE

TOO FUNNYY!!!

You two might be a long way from carving your names in the old oak tree, but there’s nothing like Valentine’s Day to remind you whom you heart (or don’t).

amoraphobia
n. an irrational fear of Valentine’s Day.

blue bawls
n. an emotional, romantic version of flirting that leaves you feeling sad and crying.

bud light
n. the blatantly cheap flower selection from a guy who needs to be dumped ASAP. (How was your V-Day? Bud light.)

carniwhore
n. a girl who puts out for carnations.

do-or-diamond
adj. as in, if I don’t see a ring today, he’s dead to me.

long-stem posers
n. people who send themselves flowers from a “secret admirer.”

lote
v. to walk the thin line between love and hate. (I lote Johnny. One day he’s a dollface; the next he’s a total wanker.)

ménage à flaws
n. when you crash your friend’s Valentine’s Day date only to talk about all your relationships gone wrong.

PDR
n. public display of rejection: when your valentine takes you somewhere lovely only to break your heart in front of strangers.

Valentiny Tim
n. a man whose masculinity is put in question by his overenthusiasm for V-Day. (I mean, I don’t expect him to be a Valentiny Tim, but he could at least try to hide his total amoraphobia.)

www.dailycandy.com

Sex, V-day, and the single girl

If you have ever dated me, wanted to date me, or even thought about dating me- I feel for you. I am a pain in the ass, I admit it. I am controlling, argumentative and confrontational at times, and I expect you to know what I want without me telling you. I expect you to read my mind when I am angry, I crave constant attention, I hold grudges if you hurt me, my kids ALWAYS come before you AND us! But I am also very caring and loving, very kind and honest, I really "throw" myself into a relationship. I fully support you and feel that if it's meant to be-it's worth it. I am a hopeless romantic. I love flowers!!
I am alone again on V-day this year, and it sucks!! I have my kids-but sometimes I need the attentions of a male. My mom told me when we had "our talk" as a teen that sex was hard-it changed everything, and once you started having sex it was hard to stop. She was right!! I have replaced sex with great workouts (my 1 year celibersary is next week ), going on "dates" with reading books, cuddling in bed with my guy with cuddling with my pillow. I focus my attentions on my work, my kids, my health. I cry at commercials, and sometimes when watching a romantic movie I have to turn it off. I rented "Must Love Dogs" last week and still haven't watched it because I don't want to watch it alone. Honestly-I haven't really been "single" very much in my life, and it is hard to get used to. (I know-poor me)
But I did realize that even though I haven't been single on many Valentine's Days, my worst ever Valentine's Day was with a boyfriend. Also I don't know that I ever treated to a "Valentine's Day" the way I feel it should be. OK- not often. For me I think a Valentine's Day should involve devotion, adoration, compassion. A dozen roses are definitely a plus- but I would LOVE a handful of hand-picked daisies. (my favorite) Candlelight dinner-prepared by my guy-music and soft lighting, great mood setters. V-day doesn't need to be expensive, just rich in preparation and thoughtfulness. That is what makes a great memorable V-Day. I hope you all have that tonight!

saLAD dAYS AND THE pLANEtARIUm

I was driving to work today and heard several Led Zeppelin songs on the radio. As I was driving I was reminded of a time in my life when I was 16,17,18 and LOVED Led Zeppelin! (I still do) At that time in my life all of my friends and myself could now drive and had cars. If you had read my prev posts you know the "trouble" we got into w/out cars. Now we were mobile! One of our favorite things to do on the weekends was drive to Ft. Myers. This was about 1 hr away from Naples where I lived. It was so exciting because it was so different from where we lived. It is a much bigger city, with a lot more going on. At that time, back in the late eighties/early nineties Naples basically closed at 6:00. It was boring! We loved to go to Ft. Myers for something different. One thing we did regularly was go to the planetarium.
The Ft. Myers planetarium was off in a woodsy-type of are. Very secluded. The building was very rustic, and the huge telescope stuck out of the top. There were two levels, and the bottom level had picnic tables had benches, etc. A lot of times we would bring our sleeping bags and alcohol and sit at the picnic tables and watch the stars, but my favorite time to go there was for the laser light shows. Especially when they had Laser Zeppelin and Laser Floyd. Basically you went into the big room w/the telescope and instead of opening the ceiling they used lasers to generate almost like a video or something to the music. The programs for each were the same every time, but we loved them. They really did a good job of coordinating them to the music, the beat, and even the lyrics. My all time favorite was a huge cash register at the beginning of "Money" by Pink Floyd. I love music and this was a way to really connect myself to it. I see Laser whatever advertised at Cleveland or Sandusky planetariums, but I don't think if I ever went it would compare to that moment and that time in my life with those friends.
Another hangout we went to was Salad Days. It was a dance club that I think served alcohol. You had to be 18 to get in for girls and 19 for guys. The first time I ever went was on my 18th birthday. My friends were actually playing there that night. They had a band called, "Paradox Green" and I always thought they'd be famous someday. I had their demo tape and listened to it in my car the on my whole drive from Florida to Ohio when I moved here. What was so great about Salad Days it that it was just a rally cool scene. They only played underground music like Nine Inch Nails (at the time), Ministry, the Cure(at the time), etc. At that time there was no such thing as "Alternative" music. We went there and danced and had fun, and occasionally they had a live band-usually on Saturday nights. I was so excited to go to Salad Days for the first time, a lot of my friends were older and had already been going there. I had to just hear about it and wait until I could go. It was worth it! As for Paradox green-they broke up when the guitarist Matt took off for California. I dated him briefly when Leith and I were on a hiatus. He was SO talented, but kinds screwed up. Last I heard he had a baby with the girl that broke my brother's heart(see post-Jimmy) and he cried over for so long. She moved to California with him and then moved back to Florida w/out him but w/ the baby. No one knows what happened to Matt. When there are new "up and coming" alternative bands from CA- I always look to see if he's in it!

The Shower Situation

Do you remember gym class in Jr high and high school? All the insecurities of your changing body-do you "measure up" to the other girls/guys. You were self-conscious! Some coaches required you to take a shower, others didn't. But if you didn't then you'd be the smelly kid! The shower stalls were big, OPEN, humiliatingly pretty much right out for everyone in the locker room to see you. I would always try to wait until most everyone was done and then sneak to the farthest stall away. I had lunch right after gym so I was late everyday for my lunch! It's a lot of pressure to put on a girl or guy!
Well-I feel like I am having deja vous! When I am done working out everyday I go right to work, so a shower is necessary. The stalls are about the same-very open, anyone walking in can see you. There are a couple in the back but the stalls are smaller so you must change outside of the stall. So at first I went for those first of course. At first it took me about 30 min to shower, dry, get dressed, and then dry my hair/make-up,etc. As time has gone on I have realized that A. There are all types/sizes of women there B. NO ONE IS LOOKING! In fact if someone accidently looks they get embarrassed and turn away quickly. So now I change right by my locker instead of going to the changing room (unless there are a group of women standing there-how rude), I walk around with a towel, I use the upfront, more spacious showers, and I only take about 20 min total to shower and get ready. This leaves more workout time and/or more time to get to work, get to my desk, open my programs, read my e-mail, etc.
My daughter has started a new semester at Jr high, and guess what? She now has gym and is going through the same things I went through! It was funny for me to share my stories with her, although she wasn't amused. More like mortified by the whole thing. Poor kid-one day she'll look back and laugh!
Just thought I'd share........

A Weekend of Splurges...

Exactly what the title says-I splurged all weekend! But maybe not on what you think. My diet/willpower really was tested several times over my weekend, but I held strong-mostly.
I had decided that I was going to take my kids to Chuck E Cheese's in "protest" of the superbowl and football in general. We went on Sun at noon, and to my surprise it was A. packed and B. several dads there! AWWWW, although my intital gut reaction I will admit was...Whipped!! This was the first time Gabriella ever went there and I swear, if her eyes had gotten any bigger they would've fallen off her head! Caitlyn had brought a friend along too. We got a pretty good table and our food, and I insisted that the kids eat before they played. Right? Ha yea. Gabriella was not having any part of that! So I decided to let everyone go for a while and then we'd eat. I allowed Gabriella to lead me where she wanted to go, and she was like a little road runner in constant motion. She had her arms in runner's form and her back a little hunched over, plowing into anything or anyone that got in her way! People were nice about it, they just laughed. I let her put tokens in whatever games she wanted to play. She'd put the token in, press the buttons for a sec, and off she went. I had to keep grabbing her to direct her back to her game until it was over. She was so funny, she had lots of fun. There is a toddler area where she played on a slide and several ride-ons. Caitlyn and her friend had 800+ tickets so they were really happy. Everyone then ate the pizza (I had a salad at the salad bar-yeah me!) After we left CHuck's we went to the mall where I went a little crazy at the JC Penney's sale- tons of stuff 75%! I bought some new clothes that almost fit, and some that DO FIT!! I also got Caitlyn a dress for the VAlentine's dance at school-yes I am crying. She assures me there's no "boy" she wants to see there. Yeah right! I also bought a new computer! It was a deal I couldn't pass up- my system is really outdated and slow- it was time. Although I hated to part with that kind of money, but I can justify it by having a child in middle school!
I did go out this weekend, and even though I planned on only having a couple beers, I will admit I was pretty drunk. Then I wrestled with guilt all weekend about all of the calories I consumed that night! I basically punished myself by working myself out 2x the normal amt I normally do, and eliminating all of my snacks in between meals. Yes I eat 6x a day and only 1,000-1,200 cal! (Your body needs constant refueling-just like a car) On Sunday I didn;t even make it to the gym-no sitter- so I worked out at home for 3 hours! I used my daughter's ddr(dance dance revolution) game on ps2-it's a mat that you must dance on and follow the leads on the game. You can set it to workout mode and it will calculate the calories you burned. In that amt of time I burned 700 calories. I am still trying to get myself back into my whole eating routine-I think my punishment is now over! Until next time......

MORE Bally's nicknames.....

...how could I have forgotten these people?
When I went to Bally's this morning I realized there were a few people I forgot to mention yesterday. They are...
*Social Director-this guy is probably 65, white hair/glasses. He knows EVERYONE! He constantly mingles around talking to his friends as they are working out. He seems very sweet and teddy-bear like!
*Anorexic crazy runner-This girl looks so bony, she looks like a skeleton! I hate when she is there, she goes on the treadmill at the front so everyone is behind her. She runs flailing her arms and it looks like she's being chased. What really bothers me is how bony she truly is, it's sad. I hope someone stops her from losing more weight-I really think she's anorexic!
Lastly-
*Spotter couple-they are really cute! They have two little kids that go into the nursery. They work out, one person on the machine, the other counts, adjusts weights and/or the seat if needed, and wipes it down. They are probably in their 30's.

I think that's all of the people I missed!

Catching up

In my blog hiatus, I did have some interesting occurrences in my life! Probably the most important- my youngest daughter's birthday! She is officially a member of the "terrible twos" classification!....and boy does she know it! She has been talking more, crying more, throwing more fits, and acting more independently!! It's funny-her birthday was on a Thursday, her party at school was on that Friday, our party for her was on a Sunday, my mom sent her a package on that Tuesday so she opened her presents up then, and I finally took down the decorations on Wednesday. PLUS my grandma's birthday was Sunday, so we celebrated that so Gabriella must think January is her birthday- the whole month basically! She still sings "happy birthday" every day!
My family had a brush w/ death- well not really, but it could have been! I was taking my dog outside and when I came back in the house I was hit with a strong odor. I walked out and back in several times, then walked around the vicinity to determine what the smell was and where it was coming from. I finally realized that it was gas-natural gas not gasoline. I panicked a little and didn't know what to do, so I called the gas co. They told me all these freaky things about-don't walk on carpet or turn anything electrical on or off or even hang up the phone after I got off the call. She said all of these things could produce an electrical spark and the house could blow up. She said we needed to evacuate the house immediately-all inhabitants- and wait in a safe distance from the house for a service rep to come. I had to wake up my kids, get my dog back outside where he barked nonstop at 11:30pm on a school night, get my grandma out-stop her from turning everything off and push her out into the car, and wait. Well- my car was in the garage. The garage door has a genie- should I risk opening it or have my children stand out in the cold for who knows how long. Well, I took the car out myself after I had everyone at a safe distance away- and we all packed in and waited. It didn't take long for the gas rep to arrive. I went in with her. She was very thorough-went through everything that had a gas line. She determined that there was no leak, but that my furnance acts up and could have misfired sending the gas smell. Instead of the furnace heating up until the desired temperature is achieved, it goes on/off consistently, regardless of what the thermostat is set to. After all was said and done-it was a horrible experience. My kids couldn't fall back to sleep, Caitlyn could not get up in the morning so that was a struggle. Gabriella of course was up at 6:00am after finally going back to sleep at 1:30am. The dog finally shut up, I'm sure the neighbors were thrilled!
So I said in my last post that I go to the gym everyday. I am not the only one. There are several regulars there. I have nick-named some of them. HEY-I'm not a bad person, but that's just something I do/have always done. I am a people watcher! Here we go-
*Mute ponytail girl-she never speaks, smiles, or even acknowledges anyone. She always has sweatpants and a pony tail that is always perfect. Yesterday I was on the Elliptical next to her-she made no sounds at all-not even an exhale!
*Don Vito-there is a guy that rides the sitting stationary bikes everyday, he looks exactly like Don Vito, Bam Margera's uncle on Viva La Bam on MTV. Around the time I first saw him I knew they had done a show in Cleveland around the same time, so I really thought it was him. I stared at him the whole time, he probably thought his workouts were really paying off to have a young fox like me checking him out.(ha ha)
*Supergrandma-There is this lady that is probably in her 70's, she walks the treadmill at a faster pace than me, uses the nautilus and KNOWS how to truly use them correctly-sometimes with heavier weight than me, and she wears spandex and is in terrific shape!
*Psycho-perv grandpa-Not any involvement w/supergrandma, he makes the grossest, loudest moans, etc while using the machines. He always seems to be around whatever are of nautilus I am using and frequently comes up and makes weirdo comments to me about my workout. Today I was using a tricep press and resting between intervals.(usually 30 sec is avg-I sometimes do more/less-this time was about 10 sec after my last interval) He came up to me and said the machine wouldn't work if I just sat there, he wanted to show me how to use the machine. I know he saw me using it already because we were using machines that faced each other.
*Too sexy for my long hair trainer guy-There is a personal trainer there that is very likeable. He always has different clients, always interacting w/coworkers and other members, and he's actually very very cute. IF he would just cut off his yucky long hair. Normally I LOVE long hair, but this is scraggly and looks just fake!
*Sorority trainer girl- there is a trainer there that is prob 5"1" and 92 lb. She is very blonde and very cute. She always has clients and I always hear just her talking-not the clients. She talks about her boyfriend, her college, cheerleading, and HER SORORITY in college. Never anything about the training session!
LASTLY_
*Scott Savol-Do you know who he is? He was on American Idol last year. He placed like 5th, and sings really good. He is from Cleveland, and it REALLY is him! He is there like every other day, and usually by himself. No one really bothers him, except 1 day I saw 2 really geeky guys kinda hanging after him like they were trying to be his friend. It was kinda sad...