Suicide

My life is pretty lonely. I have no boyfriend, my work is social-but not really. I moved to my town when i was 20 yrs old. I did not grow up with anyone here. Mostly any friends i ever had I got through work or my relationships. When the relationships ended, so did the friendships. When I switched jobs, I switched friends. I don't really have any friends. No one I talk to regularly, hang out with, share my life with. I really have no one to talk to. When i started this blog it was theraputic-a way to get my feelings out. I didn't really realize or care if anyone was reading it, and when I realized I did have readers I held back. So lately I really haven't had any outlet for my feelings. I can confide in my mom, I often do. Lately I have been sheltering her. I feel really sad and lonely. My brothers don't live here-2 of them are too young, the third is too messed up in his own shit. CHURCH-yea I know. I've heard it before. But while I do have my own private spirituality and have attended church in my adult life, I just have several excuses why not to go. I'm not like those people. I'm different. I'm a single mom with 2 kids by 2 different dads. I'm not exactly rolling in the dough-church clothes, donations. I am afraid to leave my 2 yr old with a stranger, I am afraid to keep my 2 yr old in the church with me. My oldest constantly has sleep overs on Saturday nights, Fridays I don't get home until 6:30 and don't get done with dinner until 7:00 sometimes. Sometimes I just feel invisible, unimportant, forgettable.
This topic is not about me. When i was in high school my boyfriend at the time had a very close friend he had since grade school. He killed himself. We don't know if it was an accident or not-he was playing russian roulette at a party. It changed my boyfriend, Leith, it changed us. It was sombering. Prior to that time I had "brushes" with suicidal tendencies. I was a cutter. I used razor blades and even a knife once. I took an entire bottle of aspirin after a fight with my boyfriend and passed out cold. I had ringing in my ears for 4 days afterward. I walked to his house before-during a fight- with a knife clutched to my chest. Screwed up? I guess you could say so. I have written before how my oldest child saved me. Made me snap out of it, stop the sucidial crap, stop smoking pot. This topic is not about me. It is about her.
Thursday 2/16. It was a normal day. My youngest got me up, we played. I got Caitlyn up, made breakfast, dropped her off at school. Came home and got Gabriella and I ready, dropped her off and worked out for an hour. I went to work, feeling good. Fifteen minutes into my shift I got a call from the school guidance counselor. Immediately I thought they were calling to get permission to give her Tylenol because her braces hurt. NOPE. Then I even thought maybe she had gotten in a fight, she had been having problems with her "ex?" best friend for the past few weeks. NOPE. "Ms. Lore-3 of your daughter's friends have come to me today because they were worried about her. She had been talking about taking her own life." I don't think anyone could understand or express how I felt to hear those words. It was numbing and crushing, i could barely breath when i heard it. She said she wouldn't feel right not calling but would send her back to class if I wanted. Are you fucking kidding me??!! I think I composed myself enough to utter" 1 hr drive, " and "I'm coming", I did shut down my systems, computer, etc and went to see my boss where i lost it. She must ahve thought my family was put in front of a firing squad from the look of me. I couldn't form a sentence, I couldn't form words. She asked me if I had to go and I nodded. I think I drove behind every 80yr old driving 20 miles under the speed limit that was out, got stuck behind every truck possible and stuck at every red light along the way. Needless to say, I made it in 37 minutes. Not bad for a 50 mile trip. I barged into the school, still incoherently babbling as I tried to tell the secretary who I was and why i was there. She didn't understand me, I snapped at her and could've hit her. Somehow she got it and Ms. Taylor and Caitlyn came to the desk. I looked at them. I took a good look at my daughter, partially not even wanting to look at her, it hurt way too much, wanting to pretend is was not real. I grabbed her and hugged her as she looked away from me, apparently she couldn't look at me either. I guess what it boiled down to was that Caitlyn was upset because my grandma who we live with who has undiagnosed dementia and takes everything out on Caitlyn was again on her case. CAitlyn was telling her friends how much she hated it, hating living st our house, and I guess living altogether. She avidly denies that she ever said anything about killing herself, that her friends misunderstood. She had scratches on her arm that looked like cut marks. They could have been from our dog like she said, he has scratched her before in her sleep and even cut the sheets from wallowing around in them. But I wasn't taking any chances. i took her to the emergency room to the "stabilization unit." They tested her blood, urine, took vitals, had numerous doctors, nurses etc in and out to talk to us. Then they had a counselor from the Nord Center-this mental health facility in town come in and anlyze us. She was nice, but Caitlyn never opened up once. About anything. She cried but only because of the imapct it was all having on me. They probably could have checked me in there for a few days because i was a wreck. The counselor suggested that she saw no reason to admit Caitlyn, but that I should consider seeking counseling for her. She gave me a referral, of which I call everyday, leave a message, and get no results. We left the hospital after 6 hours of hell to put on a straight face and return to a house where my grandmother was angry at us because we did not let her know that Caitlyn was going to her "friend's" house until i called her at 4:00, and because Caitlyn had used the blind in the bathroom that morning and did not put it back at the level it is supposed to be at. Then of course she turned to me to let me know that my dog had pooped in the basement and I needed to pick it up right away, and when i defended the blind situation she became heated and yelled at me and of course Gabriella started screaming. Needless to say Caitlyn and I skipped work and school the next day, went to Cleveland to see the play, "Annie," ate at a nice restaurant, and just spent the day together. Talking? No I wish. I did tell Caitlyn about my cutting and why I would do it and what I learned of why not to do it. I broke down with guilt feeling that she was doing it, and it was genetic because I did it. That she was geneticlly screwed up because I was. She and I talked about the cutting and the scratches on her arm. I am convinved that MOST of them were from the dog, but not all. I am convinced that she MIGHT have really said she wanted to die but now realizes the severity of it. I have been afraid to be seperated from her. I check on her several times all throughout the night. I call her several times after school and on my way home. I allow her to go to her friend's house almost everyday after school to prevent her from having and episode with my grandma. I am scard, it is scary. I have begun looking for another place to live, but it is so hard there are so many variables. I work PART_TIME. I work 1 hour away. I did get good news that I will be fulltime starting next week, but it could possibly be only temporary, but maybe not. Theya re too iffy for me to securely plan anything around it. I rely on child support which has in the past been very late or not even come at all.
My kids really are my life. That is a good thing and that is a bad thing. But even being the mom that i am, eating meals together at the table, giving constant hugs and kisses, reading to them, singing to them, talking to them, doing arts/crafts with them, planning interesting things on the weekends, nurturing them and spoiling them with enough love from two parents, it's not enough. It can still happenn, kids can still get depressed and it has NOTHING to do with you. I know the turbulent relationship with my grandma does not help. I feel like I got my kids out of one situation by leaving my alcoholic controlling ex-boyfriend into a worse one. At least with him he would calm down and see the rationality, at least with him I could stick up for her. I haven't told my mom about all this, she has enogh on her mind-my brother's trial is Monday. My grandma has no clue about the whole thing. My dad only found out because i had to call him from the hospital to tell him not to pick her up from school and it was caller id. I am dealing with this, but basically all alone. I can't get any resources pulles together to set up counseling, and the people that actually know the sitaution (dad and stepmom) haven't even called me once to check on how things are going now. NICE