Teenage Destruction part !

Cutting is an epidemic that affects thousands, maybe millions of teens all over the world. It is the act of self-inflicting pain to get a rush or attention by using a razor blade or even a knife to cut yourself. It is not widely known or talked about, and in some ways viewed as shameful. I view it as a cry for help, whether out loud or quietly to yourself....

I started cutting when I was 16, and stopped around age 19, even though I still get the desire today at 32. The reason I started might have been for attention in the beginning, put that didn't last long. When I cut myself, as the slice went threw my skin I felt that all the stress-pain-misery-emptiness gushed out of me along with the blood. As I would do it, I was able to let go of everything and just NOT THINK. I can compare it to the feeling of being wasted-at the time it was comforting. Once I would be done and a little time went by, I would experience soreness, numbness, and have the worry of infection. Then I had to wear long sleeves-IN FLORIDA-and try to hide it from my mom, teachers, and even friends.
WHAT?? You say! Yes- only a small amount of people know that I did this. Sixteenyears later, if you look closely at the interior of my forearm, you can STILL see the traces of scars. In retrospect I feel I grew up too fast and was too immature to deal with the very mature lifestyle I lead, and this caused extra stress. I had constant migraines as a kid and teen, and was diagnosed with a gastic disorder on several occassions. This was a direct result of worry and pressure.
I stopped at the age of 19, right around the age I became pregnant. I truly feel that my daughter saved my life on so many levels-she is amazing and doesn't even know why. I was in a very mature, very destructive relationship at a very young age. It began at age 15, and really never completely ended I don't think. It began like a movie-romantic, sweet-it gives me butterflies and smiles to think about it. But over the years it turned into something so dark and scary.
I can remember when our relatinship changed. I had several "guy" friends-I always did. Sometimes it truly was friendships- both sided. Sometimes it became a 1-sided friendship and something else on the other end. Anyways-I had a group of friends that I hung out with all the time. I was always the only girl, even if they had girlfriends. My friend Anthony had a boat- and I often went out on it with them, way before my boyfriend and I got together. I would wear my bikini-it was a BOAT!! Once I told my boyfriend that I had gone on the boat that day and he freaked. He asked me what I was wearing-I told him. He smacked me with an open hand so hard that it busted my lip open. I cried and bled all over. I tried to leave but he wouldn't let me. He held me like a baby and apologized over and over and quieted me down. This was not only at his house with his parents home, but wouldn't be the last time he abused me....

Say it isn't so

I think when I die it will be in a car crash.
Have you ever had strong, intense, recurring visions?? Well that is the one I always have. Sometimes I will be driving and just get a sudden flash in my head of actually hitting the person in front of me, in the opposite lane, or even going off a bridge. It is so vivid-Ifeel the pain, I see the blood. I know I am a freak, and sometimes I feel it happens because I'm too close to the car in front of me or whatever--but still. It's frightening! Especially when I know my past!

I was psychic as a child. There were several times when I knew something was about to happen. (not just because I am exceptionally smart either-ha ha) My grandmother used to have an apartment that was over a flower shop. There were few windows and a door on the outside that let to another inside to get upstairs. You could not hear or see the doors from inside the apartment. Well, more than once I told my grandma, "Someone is here!" My grandma said, "No there's not honey." Sure enough, both times someone came in right after.
There were also times that I would say what song would play on next on the radio, or I would have knowledge of situations that would happen to my mom at work.

This "gift" was hereditary! My great-grandmother used to have "dreams" that would come true or did come true. She dreamed that my great uncle's (her son) child would drown and die-it happenned. Also one time she called my grandma and asked if my dad was ok. At that time my grandma lived 2 hrs away from my great-grandma. What my great grandma was never told was that the day before my dad had been playing with his friends. They were playing with bb guns, my dad shot his friend and almost killed him. The friend was in the hospital for several weeks. To this day my dad occassionally still sees that man!!!!

STAND UP

Election time is coming up again. I personally am sick of the way the country, state, and even some ways my own city is run. It is our civil right and duty to be informed about our government and we have A SAY in what happens!! The elected officials should be our REPRESENTATIVES-our voice! Are you sick of the gas prices? How about the fact that we are providing money to foreign countries and for a no-win war and our own citizens may have to choose between EATING or HEAT this winter due to natural gas prices???!!!!!! If you said yes, did you vote in the last election, and for whom? What about your local elections? It is more important to vote for your local elections because that is what directly effects you!! If you think your vote doesn't count, let's get your 1 vote with another 1 million individuals that also think their 1 vote doesn't count. Does your 1 vote not count now??? We all need to learn about the candidates and how they stand on issues. No matter what political party you "belong to", we need to be informed and choose THE RIGHT candidate, not just the one that represents our party!!! Here is some scary stuff:

Question!!

It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three leading candidates.


Candidate A -

Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologists. He's had two Mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day

Candidate B -

He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.

Candidate C -

He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and never cheated on his wife.


Which of these candidates would be your Choice?

Decide first, no peeking, then scroll down for the answer.



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Candidate A: is Franklin D. Roosevelt.
Candidate B: is Winston Churchill.
Candidate C: is Adolph Hitler.

REMEMBER** be educated on the candidate AND where they stand on the issues!! Your vote counts!!!!!!!

HUH?

Ok so I planned on updating my blog nightly, and even have ideas and stories already, but my computer is BROKEN!! I am completely devastated!!! SO- I have been trying to fix it all week. I also had 2 sick kids this week, Gabriella was so sick Monday (fever 103) that I had to stay home with her. Caitlyn was sick on Tuesday, but no fever just sore throat. Also this week my future aunt's mother died so I went to calling hours for that. I never met her, but she seemed like an incredible woman. Even though I never met her, I was terribly moved and my heart goes out to her family. Death is very final and really makes you appreciate what you have. My friends and family are the world to me and I appreciate each and every one of you!!
So due to the illnesses, death, and sucky weather this weekend I was stuck-I mean TRAPPED in the house!! My oldest spent the weekend at her friend's house, and my youngest spent the weekend wearing me out. So this weekend she learned to count to 3 on her fingers, sing abc in the abc song, and put on her own socks! I'm sure she had been working on some of this already at school, but she actually did it this weekend. Also since we are potty -training, I spent the weekend chasing her as she continuously pulled down her pants and said"Potty." OH- she also learned a new phrase and said it constantly!!! "Gabriella, do you want to eat?, " "HUH?" "Gabriella, do you want to play puzzles?," "HUH?" etc etc etc!!!

Hopefully I will get my computer up because right now I am at work and can't really write what I want to!!

Obsess Much???????

Dear Jared,

I listened to your new cd and I think it is amazing. Your songs are so beautiful, every note, every sound , every word. I also love your first Cd. Everytime I listen to it, I can close my eyes and actually feel the music. My favorite is Buddha For Mary.....it really speaks to me. I became a fan of your music right before your first cd came out, but I have been a fan of yours for a lot longer. With every role you play and every part you take, you seem to constantly evolve and reinvent yourself. I love watching the different characters you play and how you actually BECOME them. I loved you as Jordan Catalano (My So Called Life) but you were so intriquing as Harry Goldfarb(Requeim For a Dream)!
You are so busy right now with your new CD, your tour, and of course your movies! Lord of War w/Nickolas Cage just came out and you are filming Lonely Hearts w/ John Travolta and Mr. Tony Soprano! You completely captivate me with your music, your smile, and your eyes. I hope you will be touring here soon!
Love, Me

Jimmy

I have three brothers, and I am the oldest sibling. Two of my brothers are twins, they are 15 years younger than me. My other brother is 2 1/2 yrs younger than me. They are all 1500 miles away from me, and are not big on "keeping in touch." I get it with the twins, because they are now 16 and really "too cool" for their older sis. But Jimmy...that is a different story.
Jimmy and I grew up in a single parent household. My mom and dad divorced when I was like 4 or something crazy, so my mom raised us. We moved CONSTANTLY! Plus my mom had a booming career so she worked a lot of hours. At times booming did not = big money, so our financial situation was pretty tight. All those things together added up to Jimmy and I being alone a lot and kinda fending for ourselves. Also, my mother went out on dates a lot or out with friends on the weekend, so sometimes Jimmy and I were all we had to rely on. DON'T GET ME WRONG-this is not about my mother or her parenting. I love her very much and am not saying she was a bad mom or anything. I am the person today because of my past, and I wouldn't change a thing! I just wanted to get the point across that Jimmy and I were close.
Sure we had our fights. One time I tape recorded myself singing Olivia Newton John's record "Let's Get Physical" -the whole thing- Jimmy stole the tape and played it for all his friends. One time we got into a fist fight and I took a popsicle stick and scraped it down his spine. Kids would make fun of my glasses and he would join in. Kids would make fun of him for not brushing his teeth and I would join in. But we were always the constant in each other's non-stable lives. We went through a lot of shit in our lives. My brother is so complex, he can be super emotional, or have absolutely no emotion. Sometimes he is so considerate, and others he is the biggest prick. I remember when we were teenagers, he was so depressing sometimes. He fell for this girl and she completely screwed him over and all he did was cry and listen to "Nothing compares to you, " by Sinead O'Connor. I remember these kids picking on him and trying to fight him. I freaked out and stood in front of him and tried to fight them. They left and then he was so mad at me he told me off and then didn't talk to me for a week. He grew up and became such a caring guy. He was a wonderful husband to his wife, and a great dad to his kids. He was a very thoughtful uncle to my daughter. We got along better than ever in our adult life and hung out regularly. He was there for me when I needed him and vice versa. We only lived a couple blocks from each other. For some reason one summer his wife went to stay the summer with her parents in a different state. She took the kids and never returned, she made a new life for them down there. I guess she couldn't stand to be away from her parents since they moved there a few months earlier. Jimmy wouldn't move there. He tried to stay here and started a "bachelor" life. He was a very hard worker too and worked a lot of hours. Unfortunately, all the men in my family have extreme back problems, and Jimmy inherited this. At the age of 18, Jimmy developed arthritis in his back. It basically cripples him and the doctors have no solution for the pain but to prescribe pain pills.
I had a feeling Jimmy was addicted to pain pills about 8 years ago. Plus, knowing our past and his experiences with alcohol and drugs, it was almost inevitable. Fast forward to present. Jimmy and his wife went through a very messy divorce, but now get along better than ever. Jimmy had moved back to Florida, then to S. Carolina, now back to Fl. He has been arrested for selling Oxycotin. His profession has been a window washer, and it takes a lot of skill and strength. His back has become so painful he cannot work. I KNOW the reason he was selling was to pay for his own pills, and also send money for his kids. But it was enough for a felony charge and now he had to retain a lawyer for $5,000-probably more than he made selling the drugs! The lawyer said the state kept procrastinating, and that meant they had no case. They were gonna try to strike a deal or something and it looked like there would be a minimal penalty. Jimmy planned to move back to S. Carolina with his ex and children until he could afford his own place. He also arranged counseling, along with drug counseling. THAT WAS THE PLAN. Friday I got some terrible news. My mother said the lawyer called her and told her there is now some damaging evidence that was disclosed. They have audio of my brother now. This means that he will most likely be convicted and do 3 YEARS IN PRISON!!! My mother is beside herself because Jimmy will not even contact her or return her calls. Plus it is near impossible to track him down. By the way, I myself haven't spoken to him since June, and before that it was April. I am literally sick to my stomach and I am terrified to think about what he may do to himself. He gets into bouts of depression and vanishes. The phone will ring at an odd times and I pray it's not a tragic call about him. I really tried to not think about all this on the weekend because of my daughter's birthday. But now everything has settled down and it's sinking in. The jury trial isn't until November and I guess the lawyer is trying to plea bargain still, but I am so worried. I just wish I could talk to him. I keep trying to figure out how I could go to Florida and track him down, but it's just not possible right now. I would love even an e-mail, just to know he's safe. I love my brother(S) very very much!!!!